Today’s Word is… MISTRUST

*Method Man voice* R-E-A…..D-E-R MAIL. That’s how you start a post when Wu Tang raised you, or you become a white Will Smith making songs about hand me downs. Whatever.  So a reader reached out curious about something I wrote a long while back on relationship chicken, that awkward period during dating when one or both sides is simply afraid to put themselves out there.  He finds himself, at that stage, he met a girl he’s really feeling, he’s wined and dined but he’s just not quite feeling the love back.  So naturally, his own ego told him to take 3 spaces back, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.  Now the girl senses that drift and now she’s easing back, moreso than what he was already concerned about.  He likes her and he thinks she feels the same but he’s afraid of throwing more time, money and effort into a failed prospect and she’s afraid of being hurt. 
Obvious answer, take the the lead make your feelings known, stop hiding behind what you think might could possibly happen.  However, what’s more interesting to me about the whole chicken dynamic is simply the lack of trust that exists between two people in the courting process.  This brought me to a post I read on VerySmartBrothas about lazy/cheap dates, amongst the conversation there was the women who weren’t shy about their expectations for a date and the men who were frustrated with putting so much into women who weren’t coming out them vickys interested.  Isn’t dating/courting supposed to be an enjoyable experience? Who let all the paranoia in?  Women set up booby traps, a naval fleet and snipers around their hearts, men are standing by with binoculars wondering if she’s worth the gauntlet.  Chicken was an understatement, it’s a war going on outside. 

I would say I’m a hopeless romantic that’s always willing to take that leap for love, but then I would be lying.  Love is scary, dating is a bitch.  My reader doesn’t like feeling being taken advantage of, no one does, but is there ever a way to really know the others intentions, even when they do actually communicate? Nope.  I try to give objective insight in my emails/chats but do I even know for sure? Yes.  I’m awesome and I’m usually always right about these things. Nope.

What’s funny about the paranoia is that reward is so much greater than the risk.    What are afraid of wasting anyway? Time? We spend 1/3 of our lives asleep, another 1/3 work/school and the rest is our personal lives.  (Wow depressing when you think about it.)  Money? Unless he was going on $200 twitter dates or works in a sweatshop a couple dates shouldn’t have hurt his pockets too much, and after all you do eat and see the movie too. Emotions? Better to have loved and lost and sh t.  It happens.  Sometimes we just need to let our egos take a backseat and just go for it, trust your instincts, trust the process.  She probably isn’t his future wife but the longer he plays chicken, the longer he’ll never know.

-Stan-  

Today’s Word is… CHICKEN

Stereotypes aside, I could kill some chicken right now

The other day I talked about how I strongly prefer relationships over being single, above all the reasons I had listed, I forgot one.  I hate dating.  Relationships aren’t exactly a walk in the park but my girlfriend is allotted a certain amount of frustration, women I’m dating/talking to/lusting over do not.  Yet they cause me just as much grief, especially in a game of chicken, well except for it being the 1960s and driving off of a cliff, two battle to reserve feelings until the other one gives in first.  It’s a constant struggle, on one hand a closed mouth does not get fed, you have to put your feelings out there to avoid guessing and assuming, on the other no one wants to be the first one.

So I got caught up in another shouldawouldacouldawhatif conversation.  Let her tell it, I played games. I asked in what ways and she went on with assumptions, words out of context, and backtracks on things she said.   In essence, these games I played were merely her own waffling back and forth on how seriously to take me.  She never expressed any real interest in me but in hindsight that was my fault, had I shown interest first then maybe she would’ve.  Oh.  Women love traditions especially when it’s convenient for them.

She’s not fully wrong in the sense men should court, regardless of the front she puts on. I have no problem putting myself out there, it might take a while because I over think but I get there eventually (assuming I want to). However, even when the dating game is played and you’re in a relationship, the game of chicken carries on.

Even in a relationship there’s always some restraint whether it’s on true feelings, freakiness, or accountability. Men and women are always holding out until the other gives in. I’m willing to give my all to someone, #yolo if you will. Yes, it ends up being a waste but it takes just as much energy to continue to play chicken with my girlfriend. I’ve said I love you first even if it takes days, weeks, months to hear it back. I’ve pulled tricks out of my hat and to my record no woman has gone running out the bedroom or stopped taking my calls after. I’m willing to admit I’m wrong, it’s just that I rarely am (joking…kind of). I prefer my chicken eaten not played. It gets old after a while, I feel how I feel, I am who I am, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

In the game of chicken the loser should feel ashamed while the winner is deemed brave and fearless, assuming they aren’t dead. Going back to the conversation, they was no winner, we both swerved very early and now we’re wondering what was we so afraid of. Or rather we both swerved because we Neither one of us can honestly say we put ourselves out there and the other one was afraid. Communication typically trumps chicken or any mind games, but far too often we give our own assumptions too much credibility. We have 5 senses, mind reading isn’t one of them. Moral of the story: There’s no such thing as a dumb question, but there are plenty of dumb assumptions. Ask.

-Stan-