Today’s Word is… DRUNK

image

I’ve probably been drinking for almost a decade five years *wink*.  Yet I don’t even have a favorite alcohol or even a drink; most of the time I just drink what everyone else is, I’m kind of a leech in that regard.  Shrug life.  If I’m at the bar or a club, I’ll probably get a cranberry and vodka just because for a long time I didn’t know what else to get. Also, bartender suggestions always suck, its always so special on some stale flavored alcohol they want to get rid of. Beer is no different, I’ll get Heineken or a Bud Light on tap.  I used to drink Coronas because in college I drank Coronas because they aint know no better and neither did I. Wait, I’m lying I was dating a Dominican and her family got me onto it.  In college, we drank Natural Ice and Keystone because apparently kegs only work with the worst beers ever. Good times tho. So #Thesearemyconfessions time; I’m a poser. I’m not a big drinker. (I’m sure my alcoholic readers already rolled their eyes at C&V and Heinekens) I drink socially because well, you know what’s really annoying, drunk people when you’re sober.  My father hasn’t had a drink in about 30 years, somehow he’s just grown immune to the nonsense that is a family of heavy drinkers. I think eventually that’ll be me (I wanna say by time I’m 30….eh, maybe first kid….er, by time that first kid is walking and talking) but until then I’ll play the alchomeleon.

Now, the key to being an alchomeleon is adjusting to different circles.  Depending on the circle I’m in, I have a pretty good idea of what they’re drinking and my own limits.  (via trial and error of course).  Got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run. 

In my immediate family, we drink white.  Not much different than college, they make mixed drinks that taste good.  Too good that you forget that you’re consuming alcohol and now you’re sleep.  Vodka is a silent killer, I’ll be perfectly fine until I stand up and the rest of the world is still seated. Vodka drunk for me is sleepy drunk.  Speech gonna slur, Im going to be leaning on something at all times.

Then there’s that brown.  When I first started drinking, we would all throw in on bottle of Hennessey and Remy.   And you know what you needn’t give a bunch of teenage boys, Hennessey and Remy.  This is thinking too much drunk.  This is drunk dialing your ex and ranting your side of the story even though you broke up with her drunk.  Its belligerent drunk.  If Hennessey is on the menu, Ill get a little and I’ll babysit it the entire night.  I don’t want those problems.  Same goes for Crown, which is a bottle of bad decisions.  I have this huge bottle of crown in my house, no idea how it got there, and even when I pour myself or others a drink it just seems to never go away. It might be magic. It’s going to make a great centerpiece when I finish my minibar because I seen minibar on HGTV and decided I wanted one when I was probably drunk on this magic Crown. Dont drink Crown. 

image

Also early in my drinking days, like 2006, we had a major Patron kick.  Damn you Yung Joc.  That was hyped up drunk, like Thank God Vine didnt exist yet drunk.  I thought oh maybe I was 18 then, Patron can’t be that bad, had some again later in my 20s, same result.  As a rule, tequila is a go to at a club,  somewhere it’s okay to be turnt.  Also, karaoke night.  And of all the liquors tequila probably makes the *subway passes*

There’s also scotch drunk, which is pretty much what Steve Urkel drank to become Stefan. I don’t actually feel drunk, but the liquid courage is too skrong.  This is usually out with coworkers, suited up, I just feel cooler.  Scotch also is clutch for tooth pain. 

Beer/wine drunk aren’t much different, I’m not drunk but I’m not quite me.  This is usually when I am home alone, beer and wine just happen to be there from the night before so I have a drink with dinner.  One time I can recall being really wine drunk was I went to a wine and cheese tour and I dont think you’re supposed to drink as much as I was drinking but it was my first one, how else would I learn.  Fun date tho.

Then there’s what have I done drunk.  These include
1. Guinness, because gross. 
2. Jägerbombs, which have led to some stories I’ll never tell.
3. The original Four Lokos, which was literally 24 oz of how was this ever legal, 4. Some mystery drink at a frat party one time that I have no idea what was consumed
5. Lean, which I haven’t had personally but from the way I’ve seen friends act on it, I just don’t want them problems. And RIP Pimp C.
Blackout drunk is where I get off, at that point I’m not even blending in with the crowd I’m completely removed from it.  At that point, theres no silliness, or hype, or even cool, you’re just like a Walking Dead zombie.  I’ll never get why people ever push themselves to that limit.

Still, I don’t think I’m THAT different when I’m drunk.  As an introvert I feed off energy and my environment.  I can be charismatic, smooth, fun, and even an hothead just off who I’m with.  Drinking just…gets me out my own head sometimes, which is necessary.  I typically don’t drink when I’m sad or angry, or alone because for me drinking enhances my experience it doesnt create one.  As I get older, I’m becoming less and less reliant on a buzz to have a good time whereas before I would head straight to a bar just so I can feel comfortable simply being out.  Eventually I’ll be at a place where I’m not at mixers still using the “oh that looks good” at the bar.  I do still want my minibar tho. For decoration of course.

-Stan-

Leave a comment

Filed under Randomness, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… KISS

image

[EDITORS NOTE: Who do I think I am, waltzing in her a week and a half later with a repost. Well, I be busy. Not really. I’ve actually been working on some things that I will gleefully tell you about, Tuesday? And per usual with reposts I’ve sprinkled in updates, enjoy]

As you know, I consider myself a captivating courter.  I love “the chase” if you can call it that, it’s more of a beckoning, chasing implies you’re the only one with something to offer, basically, I want you to want me *Miguel voice*.  The wooing is typically apexed by that first kiss, while I typically like to kiss anyway, it’s that first kiss that let’s me know, Game. Blouses.  All kisses are not created equal, I’ve had my fair share of bad ones, and if the studies hold true that the average person will have 28 first kisses in their lifetime, I have at least a dozen (well been about 2 years since this post, lets just say I’m about 68% there) good or bad left to experience, well unless I get married on something. (Welp, Still not married)

Way back when in “Underrated“, I told you about the worst kiss I ever gotten, need some gum just thinking about it…

Unfortunately the worst kiss I ever got has been topped. Like, it was abhorrent; the lob was thrown and I declined because I was that turned off and may or may not have blocked her number on my way home, I think she like licked the inside of my upper lip, where they do that at, I hate the man that told her that was cute, I hope he stubs his toe like twice a week. This kiss was in fact so bad I revived a blog post from 2013 just to vent. But back to the post

From that awful kiss (and this one), I knew I would not want to be with her romantically.   As Eminem said, “You only get one shot do not miss ya chance to blow”, pun intended.  Other times, I dated bad kisser anyway, even though the poor kissing chemistry was a prelude to the relationship that would follow.  But what makes a one a bad kisser. Men are called out a lot, women not as much.  Why? Because men don’t care.  Well we care, but we’re more tolerant of the kiss challenged; we’re focused on the ultimate goal

But as I said, a bad first kiss usually sets a precedent. Like Ol girl without #daBreff I was instantly turned off (not that I was much in the first place) never mind she would dare to kiss with her breath smelling like stale yoga pants.  I mean don’t you taste your own breath, why you think Pam from Martin never got a steady man? Another example; Madame, was a pecker.  Her mouth as closed as she was emotionally. Bazinga.  It was a power struggle she would want to peck I would want a wee bit more affection. It would represent our relationship she continuing to give me the minimum and me wanting more. On the other end of the spectrum, was another girl who damn near ate my face.  She was too open, too easy, and I may or may not have used it to my advantage.  All in all, a bad kiss is the ultimate buzzkill.  All the leadup to…..that? It’s like the ending of Harry Potter, 8 damn movies and he killed him in 5 minutes.  That’s some old bull….wait where was I? Oh yeah kissing n sh t.

While bad kisses are a sign of impending doom, good kisses, I can’t quite make a read on either. Sometimes it’s a sign of love, most of the time just intense physical attraction.  Some people are just naturally affectionate but to you (or them) it feels like every romantic movie scene they ever witnessed.  Perhaps it’s silly to put any stock in something someone else finds meaningless, enter worst kisser #4, random drunk elevator girl in college, but so far the correlation has been better kisser = better chemistry = better relationship.  I think I might could be on to something. Or not. Shrug life.

-Stan-

2 Comments

March 18, 2015 · 6:55 pm

Today’s Word is… RESPECTABILITY

I’ll be brief…..maybe.

image

How do you earn respect?  Trick question.  You don’t have to earn respect.  Well you shouldn’t, and you should be leery of anyone who implies you do.  So anyway, the pictured tweet came across my timeline and it sparked debate about respect for women.  I police my timeline well so most of my followers were on the correct side of the debate while the legion of buckfoys and the women who let them use their cars were on another.  I considered engaging, but then I realized that I have no time for such tomfoolery and besides I’ve spoken on said topic before; even here.  What sparked this post that I didn’t feel like tweeting out was just my issue with “respectability” period, whether its a woman stripping her way through school, Kim Kardashian doing a nude shoot, a stranger setting her cakes out for the Gram.  It sounds much like famous black celebrity saying pull your pants up, don’t watch Love and Hip Hop, stop making babies out of wedlock, and give them proper names.  Even if there’s a kernel of truth to that these aren’t the greatest things to do, the jig becomes boreal because of one simple, poignant point….

THESE PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO RESPECT YOU ANYDAMNWAY

image

To quote Drake, muhfuggas never loved us.  And muhfuggas never loved these women. When you’re picking and choosing which “type” of woman warrants your respect while casting aspersions on the rest, you’re doing the same oppressive bullshit that has existed for centuries.  I wonder if the dude who tried to “expose” her bothered to find a respectable woman to praise; I doubt it.  In the same vein that there’s plenty of positive black television characters enough that I don’t want to hear shit about how Peter Gunz is setting us back.

Its pure vainglory to see strangers sit around and talk about how one must earn their respect. Who is you?  Its even worse to see women bend over backwards to show these strangers look how classy and low maintenance I am I’m not like those thots, or to see successful black men put on a Mountie hat and talk about how they are new black, or to see even see a black person who likes wine, Radiohead and reading for enjoyment carry on as if theyre somehow special or different.  For who, for what?

So moral of this rant, cut the bullshit.  There isn’t a rhyme or reason to your ignorance, misogyny or racism.  You’re just a fucked up person with a fucked up view of others and what makes it worse is that you think its on the other person to change to accommodate you.  Miss me with all that. Fin.

-Stan-

Leave a comment

Filed under Internet, Oh, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… HUSKY

[Editor’s Note: So I got a reader email, cool dude. He wanted to see how the weight loss journey was going *hands mic (unlike the ball) to Marshawn* “Thanks for Asking”. He also asked about dating as a heavier dude, the thin line between “accept me at my worst” and “put your best foot forward”. He felt like he should hold off until he felt a little more comfortable with himself physically. Personally, I don’t see why one can’t do both. Anyway, after the exchange it made me think of this old post I never posted as a follow up to “BIG”, about the dating world through the lens of a big dude. Rereading it I liked it more than I did when I wrote it so here goes nothing]

image

By and large, body image issues in general are more attributed to women than men.  Men have pursuer privilege (Did I write about this, I couldn’t find a link *shrug*).  Socially, its more common for us to go to the gym, run ball with the homies every week, move the furniture. Overall, men are expected just exude confidence whether you’re built like LeBron James or CC Sabathia.  If male physique is brought up critically, more commonly it’s about some guy who needs to bulk up. There isn’t no Sticks gym for the thin guy (maybe there should be *drafts a business plan*) Anyway, Poor Snoop Khalifas, this post aint about y’all either. I don’t know that life.  For most of my life I’ve always been a bigger dude.  Some times way bigger than others but much like my pops, I’m solid and broad.  Don’t wear skinny jeans cuz my quads don’t fit.  I’m more confident in my 20s then maybe my later teens, rolling my eyes as every Tom, Dick and Harry called me “Big Man”, “Big Guy”, being compared to every big black dude on TV (poor little black boys probably being called Terio now, hold ya head lil homies), and when it came to dating, the deck is always stacked against me to make up in charm what I’m lacking in physical appearance.  It’s not exactly the same plight of the big girl, but it isn’t that easy, and I’m actually handsome. (Yeah I’m tired of being humble in 2015).  I approach who I’m attracted to, it either works or it doesn’t, take the curves and go home (double #auntandre). But it took me a while to get to that point, before then it was a struggle.

It was bad enough that I was already an introvert; wary of being bothersome to others. So I did plenty of women the courtesy of not having to awkwardly rejecting me by counting myself out. I barely found myself attractive, of course she didn’t. When I did find myself talking to a woman I addressed the elephant in the room, that was me, large being with a long trunk (dry, self effacing humor….kinda my schtick then). It was somewhat twisted, the confidence I gained by laughing at myself before someone else could. Some women actually found it endearing, but then came another can of worms that was dating someone “out of my league”. Always the self aware, I worried more about how her stock fell being associated with someone like me. Was I “but he has a great personality” guy? Did she like me as is, or tolerated it for now? I would become insecure and paranoid, and suddenly I wasn’t the silly, sweet guy that got her in the first place. When the flame extinguished, I had no one to blame but myself.

Then well….you can see in very early posts here, I struggled with being the “safe” guy until I finally decided to really do something with my weight yada yada yada, I still get played. Because now I’m too much of a flirt and getting big headed. See, now ain’t that a bitch. The moral of the story being, every man takes a loss here and there, big, small, short and tall. Attraction is relative and I’ll never be everyone’s cup of tea (maybe if I’m famous). You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take so stay low and keep firing. Never know who gon do like Short said and let Bruce Bruce hit it.

-Stan-

.

Leave a comment

Filed under Dating, Randomness, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… FRANKENSTEIN

image

When you think of Frankenstein, you think big green monster not the egotistical, nefarious man who created him.  Hell, the thing isn’t even named Frankenstein, but whatever.  I say that to say this, too often we look at the “monster” created and not the creator.  The abhorrent ex, crazy baby mama, the bitter friend, the jaded lover….its easier to just call them out for what they are and not look at who or what made them that way, that would require personal accountability and you just cant go for that like Hall and Oates.  I’m the friend you begrudgingly ask for advice because I’m almost always going to circle back and ask you about the role you played.  (Listens to groans from the “let me vent” crowd).  Monsters don’t just appear, someone caused their creation, whether they want to admit it or not.  I’m guilty of it too, I’ve created my fair share of dating Frankensteins and at least in hindsight I can look back and say, maybe I shouldn’t have led her on, maybe I could’ve communicated better, or that was just rude.  Sorry and whatnot. Others, however, can live in a world of delusion, wondering “why me” because they cannot bring themselves to realize they are the cause of the problem.  Its easier to just say the other person is tripping or not all there. 

For example, just recently a situation arose between a relative and the mothers of his children. (I won’t divulge cuz #familybusiness) His opinion is the usual; they just crazy, he doesn’t know why this keeps happening to him.  To his point, they not the brightest bulbs in the lamp. Then logic sets in and you realize, these things don’t just happen to people.  If it was a book, you would be like “this is a major plot hole” but in real life we make that leap all the time. People don’t just sweat you for no reason.  Women you never slept with don’t just claim you fathered your child (unless you’re famous).  People don’t just catch feelings for people who aren’t leading them on.  Friends don’t just do couple-y things for no reason (pewn..shot fired).  We know these things, we understand them apparently yet we carry on as if we don’t.  That’s not to say “Frankensteins” don’t naturally exist; (*thinks about the absurdity of this sentence*) plenty of people are just unhinged and obsessive. But they are the exception, not the rule.  Most of the time you’re just being an asshole and wont admit it.

We live in an era where people tend to act insouciant to everything, cant react, cant communicate, whomever loves first loses.  People (especially men if we’re being real) are barely allowed to emote anymore.  Its become far too common to be an asshole, and then label the offended as if it came from nowhere.  Behind most insecure “Frankensteins” there’s someone who didn’t reassure them, behind most sensitive “Frankensteins” there’s someone oblivious to how they’re interpreted, behind most emotional “Frankensteins” there’s someone who couldn’t communicate.  The havoc they wreak that’s on you, and well if someone dates any of mine…..my bad.

-Stan-

Leave a comment

Filed under Love, Randomness, Relationships

Today’s Word is… BAELESS

image

Basically.

So I’m single. Like single single.  No dates, no boos, no baes, no nah means, no ol girl, no new cast and characters, no prospects, no hey strangers.  For probably the first time in years, I spent Valentine’s weekend alone; sipping Honey Jack (rare because I typically don’t drink at home), playing PS4 and watching All Star Weekend.  Don’t cry for me Argentina, its been a refreshing couple months, working on me before I dare venture back out in the treacherous conditions that is dating in the twentyteens.  As much as I’ve spoken to hating dating, the motions of “what kinda girls you like?” “My ex did this that and the third” “you only text me 2 word answers, is something wrong” BLEH.  But I’m a serial monogamist, a romantic, a courter, I’m not fit for this life of not knowing the next time I can get a shot off.  There’s probably some deep rooted issue that I hate being alone but I didnt see it on WebMD.  So what do you do when you hate being single and hate dating (You meet a girl, who is attractive but you’re not all that into, she thinks you’re the most amazing guy ever and you date for 8 weeks, but then you want to be a nice guy so 8 becomes 16. Then she says she loves you so you can’t leave, you carry on playing Prince Charming until she slips up and now you have a reason to leave and its her “fault”, she tries to win you back to no avail but you still smash from time to time because you’re a terrible person.  You’re much less contemptible now but for past transgressions  karma came through and crushed the buildings now you’re spending Valentines with flavored whiskey and Brady. #LifeComesAtYouFast). It’s like the struggle of going to work and looking for work.  Left between peeling yourself out of bed and going to work, and getting up skimming job boards and going on interviews, well, time for work. 

As I prepare to hopefully leave singledom alone for the last time (well in this day and age I can deduce I’m probably 2 relationships away from the woman I’ll end up marrying.). There’s some lessons I’ve learned for the 9-9 and the 2015 that I must remember…

Its okay to be picky- The thing is when you’re single, every one suddenly got some homegirl, bad built cousin or coworker they think would be perfect for you.  If you decline at any point, you’re picky or you just want to be a playa some more.  I’m young, employed and still have a hairline I rebuke thee scraps.

Assume you’re not the only one- Something you learn when you have nobody is that that’s actually rare; there’s always someone waiting in the wings, shooting their shot.  Save yourself the headache. 

Stay off Facebook; it’s just a bunch of engagements & pregnancies- 9 of my friends proposed over the past month. Nine. And all the stories were like back to back on my news feed, fuck you Zuckerburg, go have a kid that will become a Superhero/CEO after you die when he’s 8 because comic books said that’s what always happens. 

Your ex still ain’t shit- You’re single, they’re single, you have pleasant conversations about the good times and where you went wrong.  You think hmm, who knows me better than this person, why not give it a new round. Resist this urge.  They still ain’t shit.

No one respects your free time-
yo what you getting into tonight”
“just chilling with _____”
“something something whipped, iight yo”

“yo what you getting into tonight”
“Nothing just at the crib”
“Get dressed we about to go see whats up with these chicks like 90 minutes away one of them look like Rihanna she a lil chubbier”
“Im good I’m just chilling”
“Stop being a bitch just come out, we on our way to your crib”

Patience isn’t a virtue- One thing I learned that a lot of “friends” I had when I was seeing someone were really just waiting their turn like Drake and Nicki.  Its odd.

Dating websites just aren’t for me- One night out of curiosity I made an account on I think it was OKCupid, i don’t remember.  I answer the questions, write an amazing profile and before I upload a picture, I skim through my matches…….. Ex, my boys BM, girl I hooked up with in college, a plethora of white women who I don’t think liked me, another ex, some obvious catfish, a cousin, another girl i used to mess with….the dating pool is too shallow.

The World hasn’t ended- I enjoyed my weekend alone, I haven’t got to point where I’m just being pitied yet, I can say and do what I want without hurting someone’s feelings.  At this point, I’m just chilling with an eye out in case I left someone but not looking for just, anyone. If that makes sense.

SFW is much more interesting when I have stories to share- So, you know, stay tuned and what not.

-Stan-

2 Comments

Filed under Dating, Randomness, Simply Stan

Today’s Word is… SNOW

image

77 inches of snow.  Seventy seven.  Snow tall enough run a pick and roll in the NBA.  Snow always standing in the back of a group photo.  Snow so white, its an Oscar nominee.  Snow be like #occupyallstreets. Who pissed off Mother Nature? Was it the conservatives who think climate change is myth?  Did some little kid see Frozen and wish this shit would happen in real life?  Did I join the Night’s Watch? Did the entire continent shift up to the north pole?  Like, tiny flakes of frozen water fell from the sky and it has taken over an entire city.  In 3 weeks.  I haven’t had a full work week in a month.  I’ve gotten accustomed to a certain standard of living, I’m not here for these short checks, B

*breathe*

So anyway, I’m reporting live from my house because again, snow has decided to shut the city down and well, what’s there to do now?  I mean sure there’s

1. Sex (Unavailable)

2. Procure #1 which is an activity itself

3. Create a Hypoghettical and watch Twitter argue

4. Watch all the Fast & The Furious movies because phuck fyshics

5. Binge watch the Wire and or Breaking Bad because you’re tired of pretending you watch the Wire and or Breaking Bad

6. Post a dope pic on Instagram and watch how many extinguished flames were just thinking about you

7. Master Spanish on Duolingo then turn it to Univision to see how much you don’t know Spanish

8. Make Hot Chocolate….. With Bailey’s

9. Make a Tinder for a last ditch effort to find a Blizzard Bae

10. Start a new recipe only to get halfway through and realize you’re missing an ingredient and you’re not going out in this weather so you substitute with things you have

10a. Upon realizing your version is better; submit your recipe

11. Take pics in different outfits so later in the week you have ammo when someone wants a pic and you look like shit

12. Watch Martin reruns and peep how many times one of them break character and laugh and they were like w.e we ain’t reshooting this scene

13. Listen to the Serial Podcast and explain to others how an 18 year old pothead masterminded a frame job for murder

14.  Go on YouTube and laugh at RKO vines

15. Look outside to see that your neighbor went in so you can shovel without making small talk about the weather

16. Text someone using a bunch of Emojis you never used before even if they make no sense

17. Think of a TV show, Music artist or Movie and look at up on Wikipedia and then just fall into the rabbit hole of clicking links to more entries

18. Binge read this blog from “Start”, watch me go from bad, to kinda good, to basically running on fumes

19. Think of a random person from elementary school then try and look them up, don’t actually reach out, cuz creepy.

20. Get an update on #2…and either make a playlist on Spotify of #LeaveItInMusic or #Sadderday depending on how well that works out

21. Look up a new workout regimen you’re not going to follow

22. Go on EBay and try and win auctions at the last minute to drive the price up.

23. Watch HGTV until you hate your house and everything in it

24. Watch a bad black movie on Netflix, make a new profile otherwise your recommendations are going to look like the dude who sells DVDs at the barbershop

25. Live Tweet a Disney movie with adult sensibilities…because “slave” Jasmine towards end of Aladdin > Princess Jasmine

26. Clean your damn house. That probably could’ve been stated earlier

27. Go on random Instagram followers pages and like pictures

28. Watch an old sitcom and think about how much easier it would’ve been if they had smartphones

29. Start a bunch of games in Words With Friends and Trivia Crack you’re going to not care about in 3 days

30. Write a blog post on things you could do on a snow day even though this was written Sunday night so when most people read this, I’ll probably be like

image

All day.

31. Make a GoFundMe so I can move somewhere there isn’t Derrick Rose level of snow outside.

-Stan-

Leave a comment

Filed under Randomness, Simply Stan