Today’s Word is… SWINDLE

These days, its almost second nature to meet people online.  The forum previously dominated by socially inept nerds and creeps living their lives on the web, is now dominated just your average joe with an iphone.  In the MySpace/Blackplanet/Migente era, it was a little more commonplace to meet people from the internet, but let’s just say I’ve just smiled and nodded as she made up some story about how we met at a party.  Facebook is when the tide really shifted, at least for me, because now these weren’t just chat buddies or people with thirst traps, these were other college students.  Facebook was pretty much a directory to who’s who on campus.  So one day when I had got a message from a girl who had said she would see me around and I seemed nice, I didnt think too much of it. 

This girl, lets call her admirer, would message me and we actually got along pretty great.  Then one day, I asked was she coming out to this party, she was reluctant at first but I persuaded her to meet me there.   So I get to the party, no sign of admirer, I’m doing whatever and someone pinches me, I turn around and the girl looks kinda familiar but I’m not sure (also I’m drunk), the girl hugs me and kisses my cheek near my lips, I focus my eyes on this stranger, its Admirer…but she doesn’t quite match her Facebook pics.   It wasn’t quite a catfish moment but it was certainly a swindle. 

Swindles are tricky because they aren’t quite lies, but they are certainly not the whole story.  are not created equal, unlike Admirer’s ass knew those pictures was like 4 years old and never said a damn thing, I think people with any rational sense can understand the difference between what’s published and what’s reality.  It goes without saying that Amber Rose, Nicki Minaj or Kim Kardashian arent actually made of porcelain as their photoshoots make them look (Sidenote when did it become such a popular thing to leak unretouched pictures from a shoot, of course they have pimples and dimples, they’re humans).  But now, we are the photographer, we control our own social media accounts so much like professionals why would we willingly choose to post our own flaws for the world to see?  It begs the question, when are you hiding imperfections and when are you straight swindling?

We all have our things we try to hide, makeup, weave, the people with big foreheads who only take pictures eyebrows down, the girl who only takes pictures at 55° angles, the dudes who have a fitted on in every picture (I too might be a hatfish, you don’t know my life tho) or guy with the full beard to hide his double chin. I don’t think that’s being deceitful. Photoshopping, outdated pictures, dressing room pics in clothes you never purchase (yeah I’m on to y’all) that’s when it gets more dicey.

So for those who are dating in this digital age for the 9-9 and 2000, I implore you to stop swindling. Take down that 4 year old gym picture, you haven’t been back in years. Filters and foundations only mask so much, we got Obamacare, call a dermatologist. Stop buying waist trainers off instagram, now your arms look like foam bats. Stand in your truth. It shall set you free.

-Stan-

Today’s Word is… SELFIE

It recently occured to me, Me and Her never did it.

Me and Reine did it frequently.

Me and Ms. Avo did it a few times, now we do it ourselves for the other one.

She hated when I did it alone, thought it was weird; even though she did all the time, I always caught her.

Of course,  I’m talking about selfies.  I detest the word but a self taken photograph sounds way too official for a picture of your reflection in the mirror or self controlled mugshot.  For men, selfies have been a gift from gawd, especially when you can see anyone from your new boo to your favorite model or actress at any time without a photoshoot.  As for men taking them; they get a bad rep.  People point to vanity, narcissism and self importance.  True, but its also capturing a moment in time, ego boosting and well, kinda necessary.  Its a way to keep up with friends and family, a prominent part of dating now and well, I’m a grown ass man and will do what I please.

I have about 215 posts on Instagram, I would say bit less than a 3rd are “selfies”.  When I joined 2 years ago it was a good way to keep track of my weight loss, I could visibly see my face thinning, arms toning etc, there was the added element of putting it out in public that let friends and family take notice and their additional support guided me (perhaps I need to start doing that more….cuz, yeah).  I don’t think I’m over the top, the day I post 12 pics of the same damn outfit or start posing shirtless, please identify yourself as a reader and then kick me.  You’ll never catch me posing by some car that isn’t mine, or wearing somebody else’s chain, or tonguing down a significant other.  In that same vein, I want to see what my friends and family are up to, a Facebook update is just as efficient as that dusty wallet photo. 

Selfies are a pretty big deal in dating as well.  Men had a good run as “the visual creatures” but these days women tryna see something too.  There’s still no country for dicktures,  but isn’t a woman I met that hasn’t hit me with a picture inquiry of my face, my outfit, my dinner.  Dating long distance? Its almost a prerequisite (cuz #catfish).  Once again, selfies have replaced the wallet photo where a friend will quickly show a picture or social account of their newest flame or conquest.  And of course there’s the couple selfie; an unofficial rite of passage.  Every girl I’ve dated probably has a picture of me, not every one has one with me.  Shrug life.

We can pretend to hate selfies all we want, they aren’t going anywhere.  The 50th President of the United States will probably pass on the official portrait and upload his or her own.  Assuming they themselves don’t have any “other” selfies floating around the interwebs. Cuz, yeah.

-Stan-

Today’s Word is… NICE

So I’m just browsing on Instagram, my friend, umm bout time she got a nickname “Amiga” posts a picture of her and her homegirl.  I commented that they looked cute, the friend responds and we have a small friendly conversation via the comments.  “Amiga” calls me, “cut the sh t”.  Well, hello to you too.  She strongly opposes any union between her and her friend, obviously she wouldn’t want her two best friends to hook up for obvious reasons but it was interesting that she made it seem like she was protecting HER from me, I’m the good one.

“I was just responding to a comment, but even so what’s wrong with me I’m a nice guy”

“You’re too nice”

“So you want her with a jerk”

“You are a jerk Tristan, you’re just nice about it”

She went in, on how I act oblivious to my affect on other people.   Apparently, I make people fall for me when I have no intention of catching them. It sort of brought me back to my flirting post, is even being nice misleading?  The bar can’t be set THAT low can it?

Sidebar: Marley was a married man with 1000 illegitimate kids

“Amiga” brought up how there isn’t much difference from the way I treat a woman whether its her, a girlfriend, ex, or waitress.  Ironically enough, everyone still swears I treat a better than b. My life.  But anyway according to her, as long as I have my charm on hundred thousand trillion, I will always come off as someone who wants more than I’m intending.  Then when I don’t turn out to be anything more than just a nice guy, I’m just a jerk. Logic is fun.  I sincerely want to maintain a friendship when the relationship doesn’t work out, I enjoy making the cute cashier blush, is that so wrong?  But as I said the other day, my biggest problem will always be I assume everyone understands me.

Amiga does. Over the years she’s become immune to it, I can call her beautiful and she’ll respond with shut up.  Although there were times where we might could’ve been something but one of us always backed out.  No one else doesn’t understand this nice by default nature so the way they see it, Oooh I think he likes me.   But then when I actually don’t like them, they are completely mindfcuked and suddenly I’m the jerk who doesn’t know what he wants. Whatever.

However, this is all an interesting perspective seeing as I spent other posts like this, that, and others talking about how the nice guy stays losing.  The nice guy finishes last, the nice guy gets friend zoned, the nice guy is too safe.  But maybe it’s all a cover.  Are nice guys just jerks in shining armor?  How is it being nice at 18 got me called “bestie” and “brother” now at 24 gets me called “jerk” and “player”?  Simple, when a one wants something even the slightest gesture means everything.  I remember I had a big crush on a girl in my class, we actually were pretty cool but in my mind it had to be more.  Every hug, status, dance I felt was drawing me closer to her, she disclosed to me she had a crush on someone as well….my boy. Damn tease, let his underachieving ass tutor you then.  I kid, we’re all still cool.

As great as friends are, it will always be a downgrade if you truly have stronger feelings.  It’s frustrating because even as you try to hate them, you really have no reason to be.   They aren’t in control of your feelings.  Amiga says I’m a “nice” jerk because I insist on being nice even though I know I’m probably doing more harm than good, killing them with kindness in a way.  She had a point with exes but people I’ve never been involved with I don’t see the logic.  You can’t control who falls for you? Can you?

-Stan-

 

Today’s Word is… EXPECTATIONS

i know i know its been a while

My homegirl was complaining to me about her man, asking me what should she do.  She knows I hate giving advice and I’m only going to give a vague Yoda-fortune cookie-horoscopy answer.  The basics of it is, he’s pseudo committed to her, won’t make time for her, won’t leave them Instagram chicks alone, c’est la vie.

“So leave”
“I really like him”
“He must be great them two hours a day y’all talk”
“You’re an a**hole”
“Noted. But anyway if he makes you happy be with him and lower your expectations”
“What do you mean”

*music starts, I perform a big song and dance and by the end she gets it*

No it didn’t happen like that. if only life was like a Disney movie, they never explain ish just sing a song and it sinks in.  Instead, I explained how she was shooting 3 pointers with Dwight Howard.  She’s not a sports fan at all but at least knows Dwight Howard sucks #LOLakers.  But anyway, she didn’t agree with my premise that he’ll never amount to anything than flattery and a good time.  She thinks she can change him, make him into the perfect boyfriend but we been over that.  What we haven’t been over is the forgotten piece in most relationships: Expectations.

Never fails, ask a woman what type of man she wants, I get the same cliche, sweet, caring, funny, employed…Then I say “Sounds like me” “Oh is that right” Game. Set. Match. But she’s full of it, if everyone wanted that cliche guy nobody would be single and the relationship industry wouldn’t be skyrocketing.  Men and women are afraid to say what they truly want, because they know What’s right before them isn’t it, and that means 6 more weeks of winter. My friend knows she has no business with ol boy but what’s the alternative? The last guy she poured her heart to told her he couldn’t reciprocate those feelings, his name was Stan I think, that jerk. Shrug life.

I think I have reasonable expectations, which is why I have little to no tolerance for anything but.  “Miss” pointed out I’ve been dating for 499 years now and no one has been able to fill the shoes left by “She”.  Perhaps because she raised the expectation level, there were things I tolerated from her I will not accept from the next, I’m also at a different place where I expect my next relationship to be going not where me and her were but beyond.  And well, I browsed for rings at one point.  Not to say I expect to marry my next girlfriend, that would send em running (Well not really, it’s different for men, I could probably propose to 10 women today and get at least 6 Yeses, it’s rough out here) however in reality a relationship can pretty much only end in a breakup (death included) or a marriage there’s kinda no way around it.

Expectations are like insurance no one really pays attention until something happens. We all know the basics don’t cheat, giving is better than receiving ;), communication. But what about other things ain’t nobody got time for? I feel like the key to any relationship is the initial screening process.  Finding what you truly offer, what you truly want and pursuing only that.  I almost might could know what I want now, then on the search phase.

-Stan-