Today’s Word is… NO

So a reader asked me was I afraid of commitment, without a second thought I had said no.  She was surprised by this answer, as young dudes usually try to avoid commitment like they do baldness, debt and the flu.  She asked for a particular reason, she was seeing someone and everything was going okay except there hasn’t been much effort on his part to eliminate the gray area and make it official.  “He’s afraid of commitment” she explains, he’s been burned in the past and is cautious about doing it again.  I had nothing.  And by nothing I mean I had a suspicion but I didn’t feel like speaking on it at the moment.  That suspicion being he’s probably more than likely full of shit.  I never placed much stock in the being afraid of commitment because titles don’t breed feelings, he is just as likely to get hurt by this girl she’s dating routinely than someone he’s actually yoked himself to. Hell, I would say that it hurts less failing a relationship than being jilted by a never was.  I’m biased.  So of course what followed is the cliche question:

Why are men afraid of commitment?

Now, there’s some men who are just unabashedly self aware, they don’t feel as though they would be a good mate, they’ve been hurt, they inflict hurt, they don’t trust themselves to take that leap. But in her beau’s case, and I would say they aren’t afraid of commitment, they’re afraid of the “no”.

No is rejection, no is finality, no strips always the blissful ignorance that is enjoying the ride and seeing where things go.  No has consequences, suddenly the spoils and privileges you enjoyed as a “friend” cease to exist.  Those all day conversations are now “hi, wyd, and thats good”.  Its like coming into work one Monday and your badge doesn’t work. (Which is terrifying, every time.) 

No shines accountability on the other side as well, there is no more being led on, no credence lent to your doing the wrong thing with the right intention.  Now you know this is a road to nowhere, there’s no hope to hide behind.  You’re left with two choices; continue down this road to nowhere or just turn around and head back.  The reality sets in that you were never “friends” or you were never “talking”, you both just, were.  Its a tough pill to swallow.  If only a return to bliss was possible…but its been spoiled forever.  (Well unless someone changes their mind)

The ignorance is addictive sometimes.  Don’t ask questions you can’t process the answers to,  keep telling yourself who knows what the future may hold when you know deep down it looks very bleak.  In her case, she just accepted that he’s afraid of commitment and he’ll come around.  I would beg to differ but maybe I’m wrong on this one and he truly is just afraid of a being hurt in a relationship with the person he’s been dating for months already and seemingly has feelings for.  Or something. 

Today’s Word is… LOVE

Ouch tho.

I can count on one hand the number of times I been in love, well at least my interpretation  of it. Five times with one I’m still not sure about so it really makes 4 1/2.   I say my interpretation because when I think about true pure love as defined in the Bible, I’ve accepted the notion that I like most will never find it.  My own interpretation of love, I look at as a mix of lust, romance, and attachment.  However, that’s simply one aspect, the feeling of love.  The action of love, I feel is another mix of endurance, commitment, and affection.  I’ve had about a dozen girlfriends and *cough cough* boos, and I can honestly say 4 1/2 makes me feel that way, 4 1/2 made me want to act that way.  I vividly remember the first times I ever said it and meant it, the times I didn’t, not so much (okay I do but that’s because I have an incredibly good memory not because I actually, you know, cared.)  I was admittedly reckless with the “l word” because I felt some people put too much stock in it.  You think you love me just say so, if you honestly need me to say it back to validate then clearly you’re not.  I would look deep in their eyes and ask why, not quite sure what I’m looking for.  Proof maybe? Perhaps she loved me within her own interpretations of love, or perhaps she simply was in love with the idea of being in love.  But who am I to say?  One is so quick to tell us what love is and isn’t, when ideally it’s all relative.

I can only speak for myself and my own interpretation.  It starts with LUST, the undeniable feeling of desire.  It’s often confused with sexual desire but it goes much deeper.  When I lust after someone I don’t just want to get in their bed, but their mind and heart.  I want them to want me as I them, maybe even more.   ROMANCE is a bit harder to describe but it’s just a feeling of wanting to express how you feel, if that makes any sense.  Cards, candy, candles are what is perceived as romantic but really romantic is the feeling of wanting to get those things.  Romance is often mistaken for love, but anyone can lust, anyone can romance what separates it is ATTACHMENT.  Attachment is just feeling at peace with that person.  Your heart skipping a beat when you see them, not wanting to shove them off you after sex, you just need them in a way.  It’s not always good however as it’s also not being able to resist that person, it’s why that ex keeps coming back, why you can’t see red flags. Love is truly blind, your brain suppresses thoughts of fear, lowers your instincts.  Love can be amazing or dangerous, depending on who’s hands it’s in.  Especially when it comes to acting on it.

So you’re in love, now what? You have to show it.  Talk is cheap.   AFFECTION is the easiest action they’re is especially when you’re in love.  It’s confirmation of feelings of lust, romance and attachment.  It’s little things that let one knows, they matter, still matter and always will matter.  Also, if you haven’t done so already, you COMMIT to them.  Doesn’t necessarily have to be official, but for others they needs that.  A relationship is a tough gauntlet for love, especially new love.  But you commit because you want them all for yourself, because they already have your heart and you need to see where they go with it.  You don’t love because you’re committed, you’re committed because you’re in love.  Many, myself included, make that error.

“anybody can fall in love, falling in love ain’t sh**. But somebody please tell me how to stay there.”

That quote from Love Jones, the most overrated black love movie ever, is exactly why love is so much harder than it looks.    It takes work. A lot of work. It takes  ENDURANCE.   It’s also being able to resist temptation as it’s tempting to go back and start over and relive the honeymoon phase with someone else.  However you endure it good and bad, because you can’t picture life without them.  Endurance is the other scary impact of love, some people hold on to something they shouldn’t, others just don’t have it in them to hold on at all.

So I been been in love 4 1/2 times.  Perhaps my interpretation is all wrong but it’s easier to say “I love you too” than “I also have lusting romantic feelings of attachment for you and I want to commit to you and endure all the baggage you come with” *kiss*.  Or maybe I will next time, if she doesn’t look at me like I have 3 heads, then I know it’s real.

-Stan-