So, I miss her.
I miss her quirkiness, her creativity, our chemistry.
I miss the way I was when she was in my life, I was excited, optimistic, ready to conquer the world. She was my muse, my peace, my hope.
With every subtle reminder, every drop of alcohol that lands in the pit of my stomach, every moment alone, I want to plan my comeback. I can surprise her somehow, maybe write her something from the heart, maybe this post, I mean she used to read. If only I could remind her I used to mean as much to her as she me.
But what’s the point? Maybe we can reconnect for a couple weeks, a few months, even a handful of days and while I would treasure every minute…it’d still be temporary.
We could never be happy, because she’s unhappy.
I have to remind myself of that fact when the urge to try resurfaces. I could make her laugh, smile, swoon, cu…but still, I cannot make her happy. Its a recurring theme as of late, I’m falling out with people for no other reason than life sucks. All I can do is exhibit patience, continue to reassure but eventually kind words fall on deaf ears. Eventually “you don’t understand” and “you’re not there” and “you don’t care”, her distancing becomes your kryptonite. Life has become my greatest foil; looking for love in a market of debt, stress and anguish. Underemployed or unemployed, broken hearts and broken families, not that I’m remotely special, but I guess I can’t let life take love. Work will always go “good”, my rants seldom on repeat, I just hate feeling like a burden. Or maybe misery does need company; maybe I’m just not vulnerable enough? (Spoiler alert: that’s the topic of the next post)
I can’t be Superman, I’m a bandaid for a gunshot wound. Yet I’m stubborn, I try to help anyway but life continues to win. I can’t undo what her ex did, I can’t make those bills disappear, I can’t wipe away every tear, I can’t just fix her life so she can be with me. All I can do is hopefully find someone with minimal baggage or someone who likes me enough not to care. Its a sign of the times I suppose, people put off romance for life all the time, couples marry and have kids later in life if they do so at all, I know plenty of people who just swore off dating indefinitely. This just might be one of those things I’m on the outside looking in on, my life is far from what I want it to be but shit, I can multitask.