Today’s Word is… HOE

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Rood.

So my Twitter feed was abuzz about Lil Bow Wow and his wife to be Erica Mena of Love & Basketball Divas Atlanta? She’s from whichever show that had that lightskinned dude who cried in front of that Olivia girl who used to be in G-Unit when 50 Cent was the biggest star in music.  (I abhor VH1).  Apparently, Ms Mena has had 324 sexual partners and Mr 106 and Park should’ve checked the odometer.  For what its worth, I don’t believe this unsourced story also if she’s nearing 30, let’s assume sexually active for a decade that’s about 2-3 partners a month.  But its Twitter so the jokes gonna fly, then people are going to stop laughing and start psychoanalyzing about “body counts” and respectability politics as usual. What it boiled down to is that Like Mike committed the cardinal sin of manhood, he’s wifing a “ho”. 

Since the dawn of time, man has been taught to fear the “ho”.  Don’t love these hoes, they ain’t loyal, don’t turn them into housewives, they’re for everybody.   You are to enjoy yourself and then shame them, because ha ha harlot, you thought you could sleep with me and then break my heart but no, I will leave YOU first….or something.  Basically, don’t associate yourself with “hoes” because they’ll use you and break your heart….quite a delicate sentiment from seemingly macho misogynists. Theres a level of shame that is supposed to be cast upon a man who commits to a hoe, he’s got to be naive, a simp or just desperate.  Why else would someone “pay” for what they presumably can get for free.  Treating a woman like a human, pssh where they do that at.   While I actually question the sincerity of this Wow/Mena union, similar sentiments were said about Wiz/Amber, and Kanye/Kim etc (these are all rappers; so were they supposed to meet a nice girl in college?).  In real life, we’ve either dated a woman with a past or bust the chops of a homie that did.  As men, as hunters, you’re simply supposed to know better and when you don’t, its heavily frowned upon. 

The conundrum is that everyone has their own definition of who and what a hoe is.  It could be

The aforementioned body count, her profession, how soon you hit, where and what she has tattooed, how she dresses, she cheated, she sends nudes, her twitter avi, she has a kid, who’s her friend, her government name, relationship with her father, she likes porn, she writes erotica, she likes Gucci Mane, she’s bisexual, she averages 50 Instagram likes, she owns a waist trainer, she does yoga, she eats breakfast, she has a big forehead, she has or has owned a Nissan, she has gone enrolled in college more than once and didn’t finish, she put tired of drama and games on her online dating profile….

So basically, marry a prude, turn her into a “hoe” for you and if you ever break up now she’s tainted and no other dude would want her because she’s a hoe….got it.

Or

Just get over your ego and date a woman and trust your own judgement.  I judge off the present, I could seriously date a woman who accepts and grew from her past, a woman who is a “club hostess” on Instagram, probably not.  I’ve had long term happy relationships with women who I slept with on the first date, I got cheated on by a graduate student.  There is no cheat code, life hack, equation, survey, combine to tell you who is the right woman for you and assuming every attractive woman is a how, well good luck with that.  Don’t trust women with breast tats tho.  That one is science.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… BURDEN

Tristan.:

So the Fairy Godmother of SFW had a call to arms of sorts….especially in light of recent events what exactly is it like to be a black man. With over a quarter century of experience in this matter chimed in with my two cents……see you Monday (I think maybe Tuesday, I been slipping)

Originally posted on [now a word or two]:

221fc-sad-black-man-gallery

[ed. note: i don’t have much to say as introduction because this dude is one of my faves. so with that…]

this is tristan’s story

Everyone has an idea of how the black man thinks, acts, talks, emotes, or at least they think they do, even other black men. In my hood, your blackness was determined by how well you scrapped, how many girls you pulled, what you listened to, how you dressed. It was what we knew, what we were conditioned to know.  It was what the older dudes in our hood did, our brothers, our cousins, to us the hood was like a fraternity, a brotherhood. To others, we wasn’t just friends who lived near each other, we were a gang, we were thugs, we were threats.

In school, I excelled.  I was one of the few black students there and I didn’t want to once again…

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Today’s Word is… NOSTALGIA

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So way back in the day, I was out with my mother I think we went grocery shopping and I wanted to get back home in time to watch Full House.  She assured me we would be back in time.  Of course when we got home, it was literally the end of the episode and it was the episode of DJ’s prom that closed with Whitney’s “I Will Always Love You”.  I was livid and because I was like 5 I cried about it until my mother played the song for me which had nothing to do with nothing but I appreciated the gesture instead of giving me something to cry for #NoPeterson. There was no on demand, no DVR I literally wouldn’t see that episode for like 2 years in syndication.  It wasn’t good. DJ was the worst character on the show.   But in the moment I felt like I just missed a television spectacle.  Thats pretty much how I view nostalgia now, people who just miss the idea of something but not really.  People my age are pretty much overwhelmed by nostalgia, so much to the point we use modern technology to complain about how “great” the 90s was (because apparently you ask anyone about 10 years ago they immediately think 1994).  Don’t get me wrong I loved the 90s, it was probably the blackest decade (we ever gonna get), from Michael Jordan ruling the world, Clinton on Arsenio, FOX on Thursday nights, your favorite black movie, your favorite black movie soundtrack, to hip hop’s peak.  However , I do think we get so glossy eyed over the past we forget that plenty was left to be desired.  Then there’s the people who have just pitched their tent in the 90s and refuse to come out.  The ultra, nostalgia folk. (they didn’t get this Frank Ocean reference because he wasn’t out in 1998)

The Nostalgiamaniacs are easy to spot, but do not engage unless you want to talk about how Aaliyah would be bigger than Beyonce if she was alive.  They watch the same 90 Martin episodes and are in denial that the show wasn’t good by season 3.  They spend all their time on Buzz feed and Tumblr taking quizzes about which Saved By The Bell character they are and reading the 25 lessons you got from Boy Meets World.  They loathe most new artists and are in complete denial that bad music existed before 1999.  Ayyyyy macarena. They have any least conceded that 90s fashion was abhorrent, which is prefaced by the fact that its being worn by hipsters and teenagers now. 

I think part of it comes from us wanting to feel like what we experienced was unparalleled.  We balk at the notion that any player could be in Jordan’s league, won’t admit that slow 90s R&B wasn’t as great, or that Tupac was overrated a lot of 90s sitcoms did not age well (I’m looking at you Urkel).  We don’t miss these things as much as we think we do we miss where we were when they happened.  Again, I do miss the era of positive black faces being mainstream without having to say hey look I’m black and positive and I may or may not have considered bringing back the old school answering machine message (because I mean if you leave me a voicemail in 2014 you ought to be trolled).  I loved Nickelodeon when I was a kid, I’m in my 20s now, I’m not watching Rugrats.  Full House? Maybe.

-Stan-

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So the other day, I spoke on partners and the difference between being a lover and a friend.  Obviously, every relationship needs a friendship so why is it that you are just so awesome that you aren’t inevitably chose?  There’s the more obvious ones; attraction and deal breakers but then there’s the much undersold element of “maintenance”; sometimes you are just so chill one doesn’t take you seriously.  We hear people bitch talk about the friendzone and the perils of being nice to someone who won’t sleep with you.  For what its worth, I consider myself pretty low maintenance and I’ve also seen it backfire in my own face.  So afraid to ruffle feathers or put my foot down then I either ended up resentful or neatly put away….way over there….in a corner…by myself. 

Too often we downplay standards, avert expectations; you still single, take some search filters off.  Then you find someone who you didn’t really want in the first place and to add insult to injury you’re bending over backwards to hold on to this relationship which wasn’t remotely what you ordered.  Why? Because you didn’t want to be high maintenance or too good.  The Steve Harveys of the world continue to preach said logic, especially to women because an ain’t shit man is still a man…its get chose or get froze out here.  Sometimes you just settle into that mindset on your own, and maybe its not important he texts “come thru” in lieu of formally asking out, yeah let’s just see where things go even though you’re obviously seeing other people.  Sure you can ignore me for weeks at a time and who am I to even question it. Netflix, video games, football I’m with it.  Fast forward and they complaining to you about the high maintenance person they ARE dating and you’re like….I thought you wanted the opposite of that. I thought you wanted…me.  (The memories…. Ouch….)

We’re a capitalist society, we equate price to quality.  We love bargains and open box specials but we also know the value of things.  So while we might trample over the elderly and small children the day after being thankful for what we own already to get a $200 40″ TV, that same TV offered for $1000 on a regular Tuesday, we probably won’t bother, $100; we grow suspicious.  Applying that logic, the super high strung people usually price themselves out (or snag someone who tends to overcompensate) and the super chill low maintenance person with no standards.. you tend to wonder what’s their deal? They come off as pushovers or desperate and it turns people off

Why? Because relationships require maintenance and deep down we need to maintain. Low maintenance for lack of a better word….is boring.  That doesn’t mean crazy is passion but often the line is blurred between chill and apathy, courting and fraternizing, compromising and convenient.  Being like one of the homies, like a brother, a long distance partner, a friend with benefit none of these things are terrible things to be but none of them are long term dating prospects either.  They’re just what they are…easy, expedient, and  equitable. 

-Stan-

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November 3, 2014 · 6:55 am

Today’s Word is… SIMILARITIES

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My favorite thing about social media is that no matter where you are or what you’re doing, there’s someone else.  I can tweet who’s up at 2 am and get a response,  I can live tweet anything on TV and click the hash tag and find someone else discussing.  We’re not so different you and I.  So if we’re so alike why front like you’re not just as weird a person as I am on occasion? Just I know I’m not the only one who laughs at awkward moments, thinks Stevie Wonder ain’t blind or reads random Wikipedia articles for no reason.  Or just read “I’m Not the Only One” in a singing voice.   

Or….

- Thinks of a random list when they can’t think of a better topic

- Will mute the TV while they are writing

- Hit a random time on the microwave and take it out before the timer hits 0

- Then when there’s a cold spot just eat around it because you don’t wanna walk back

- Wanted to give a bad Uber review but then remembered this stranger has your home address now

- Gets offended when the cashier uses that pen on your money so when you get change you hold it up to the light in front of them

- Shares your own Instagram picture on Twitter because you didn’t get that 11th like yet

- Hear any phone ringing and check mine even if the ringtone is nothing close to mine

- Use “hakuna mutata” in everyday conversation

- Still doesn’t quite understand Pinterest and doesn’t care to learn

- Ordering out after going grocery shopping because after putting everything away you don’t feel like cooking

- Will dress from the bag days after doing laundry

- Wouldn’t watch half of the shows you watch if not for live tweeting

- Send old pictures they haven’t seen when you don’t feel like taking a new one

- Refuse to say bless you after the 2nd sneeze

- Will leave emojis on a picture instead of liking because you don’t want your thirst showing in the following tab

- Seeing an option for a coupon code in an online checkout and spending 15 minutes looking for one

- Always browsing on Incognito mode but hate having to log into social media

- Text who’s this when you know you still have the number

- Use increasingly bigger words in an argument and then mock them because they don’t even know what you’re talking about

- Make up cover stories in your head in case you run into someone you know while you’re out by yourself

- Rather text than call because you don’t want to stop listening to music

- Email/Call out of work at like 4am so they can’t respond

-Sees no reason to put pizza on a plate

- Will leave a website forthwith if the article is just a slideshow

- Act like a secret agent when you’re trying to take a selfie in public

- Always losing your phone because its on silent 95% of the time

- Only knows like 3 drinks to order at the bar

Or maybe you’re not like me at all.  I just hope you knows that this then makes you ISIS.   That is all

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… PARTNER

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We can talk all day about sports and our favorite TV shows

We talk all night over dinner and TV

We give each other advice

We vent to each other

We make fun of each other

We make love to each other

Everything sounds ideal right….except these are all different people.

A girlfriend and friends.  Separate but unequal, obviously, but both very vital to me and in a way to each other.   You see, I’ve never been big on the whole be with your best friend narrative they sell on TV, I need a friend to be a friend, a lover to be a lover.  Took some trial and error to get to this conclusion,  I tried doubling down on a friend and losing, distancing from friends for my relationship and not being happy.  By human nature we’re possessive;  “why can’t I be X, Y and Z?  Or they view the friend more as competition than complement.  “I married my best friend” sounds sweet in wedding vows but in reality there’s homies, there’s lovers, and there’s friends.  I don’t need my girl to be my friend, there’s obviously a friendship but it’s…..different.

To love someone is to know them on a level that’s above friendship. The connection is intimate, it’s passionate, it’s sexuality feelings that shouldn’t be shared with a friend, otherwise what separates the two?  Now some friends might know some things your partner doesn’t know but your partner knows things they don’t like your bedroom finishing moves.  I believe there is room for 3rd party objectivity and that doesn’t replace normal communication between significant others. Everything doesn’t need to be said to one another, sometimes you just wanna say “______ getting on my damn nerves” and you know they gonna be all on your social media so you can’t vent there (more on that later).  Sometimes you just need a break when you really don’t wanna hear the same work stories or celebrity gossip, there’s a balance needed.  Sometimes you just want your partner to be your partner; if that makes sense. 

I ran this theory by some friends who disagreed.  They immediately alluded to cheating (because literally everything a man does without her is damn near cheating these days….but that’s another post, maybe.)  They want their man to be their best friend, the first one they talk about  anything with, they down to watch the game,  play XBox, text all day….cute, but no.  While well intentioned, the full court press on one’s social life does more harm than good.  My boy chimed in with “wifey material cut from a different cloth” (anyone else hate that word).  He has a point; there’s just something different in the way someone behaves when they want to be a partner and when they (even inadvertently) heading over to the homie section.  My theory on this is…..*Sopranos blackout*

-Stan-
    

    

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Today’s Word is… ASTROLOGY

[Editors Note: An oldie but goodie...]

TWO SIIIIIIIIIIIDEZ

“Tristan? that’s like my favorite guy name”

<line so cheesy I won’t play myself by posting>

“You seem like a Scorpio”

“No I’m a Gemini”

“That would’ve been my second guess”

Now who she attracting with that line whats your name, whats your sign? I played along though, she was cute and I love bold women who approach so I don’t have to.  In reality I’m not into astrology, well most men aren’t, it’s a convenient icebreaker but any dude that interrupts your Sudoku to check his horoscope deserves the sidest of eyes.  Admittedly I’m slightly amused by astrology,  I will rep team gemini just like I repped classes of 2006 and 2010, team android and team darkskinned. Some horoscopes even hit the nail on the head, but even a dead clock is right twice a day.  As far as dating goes, in my experience Geminis are pretty much hit and miss, everyone seems to have a few Geminis they can’t stand.  They also have some good qualities that I will use at my own convenience, mostly tongue in cheek mocking those who read way too much into it.  Not knocking ones beliefs but I hate being generalized; stop being lazy and googling Gemini horoscopes and get to know me, the actual person who happens to be born in mid-June.

The main reason I don’t care for astrology is it seems every sign is sooooo great.  Most horoscopes are sugarcoating and pandering, the worst horoscope I ever read might have been: someone you know is having a bad day, avoid them.  Social media has taken the annoyance to another level with accounts who do nothing but spit out meaningless positive generalizations about a sign so people can say omg thats so me…yeah you and 56897394 other Tauruses, have a seat.  It’s almost like the evil queen’s magic mirror, tell me how sweet I am, tell me general things that no one else understands about me, tell me she’s not just being a b*tch the stars are aligned that way.

Relationship astrology is perhaps the worst of all.  From the exes birthdays I cared to or was easy enough remember, I dated mainly Libras, a couple Sagittariuses, two Scorpios and a partridge in a pear tree.

Astrology says 

Gemini and Libra have an easy rapport since they’re genuinely curious about other people. Libra loves to entertain, and Gemini is a people person, too. This sets them up to be great hosts, a couple that has lots of “couple friends.” At home, they’ll share the minutia of their lives, observations, jokes, analysis and brilliant inspiration

Stan says

Wrong.  I’m far from a people person.  Most of the time I had “couple friends” was with a Capricorn and a Scorpio.

Astrology says

When Gemini and Sagittarius come together in a love affair, it can be a truly spectacular match! These two are extremely compatible; any rough spots they encounter during the course of the relationship are sure to be smoothed over with a minimum of effort. Gemini and Sagittarius are great friends, besides being well-matched lovers.

Stan  says

Astrology says

Gemini and Scorpio share an endless curiosity about human behavior, which gives them a lot to talk about.  Scorpio will try to read Gemini at a deep level, while the nature of the Twins is to constantly change.  Gemini feels just as deeply as Scorpio, though they might dance around it, or fill the space with chatter as a defense.

Stan says

Okay maybe astrology wins one.

There’s so much more to astrology that taking billions of people and putting them in 12 categories so perhaps I’m woefully ignorant on the subject.  However, I still can’t take it seriously, you need more people.  I’m much more complexed than a birthday, no star alignment can figure me out.  I’m a product of my mother’s compassion and my father’s determination. I get annoyed easily but I just as quickly let things go.  I’m a hopeless romantic but have too much pride to show it to just anyone. And that’s barely the surface.  A “Gemini” is not enough to describe me. Oh and Scorpios aren’t as freaky as they like to take credit for. But you’ll never read that in the paper.

-Stan-

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