Today’s Word is… ROMANTIC

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For the most part, I would say I’m a romantic. In an age of casual hookups, long distance twitter baes, these heauxs ain’t loyal, side chicks, a ridiculously low value of black women, convenient traditionalists, fake deep memes, and calling chivalry and effort “thirst”, its increasingly harder to hold on a rather simple concept of find one woman, court her, love her, build with her, and die.  I don’t consider myself a “hopeless romantic” which seems to implicate that such a quest is futile, or that it’s laden with delusion of finding your soul mate who is set at this simply unachievable standard based off books and TV.  Hopeless romantics “love hard” (I abhor that expression btw) and they go all in every time only to be shattered.  I’m not that extreme. 

I’m also a realist.  Which has also taken on a loaded meaning and suggests one who is jaded or bitter.  They took a shot at love, missed and now its f ck love as staff, a label, and a muhfuggin crew.  They poopoo on any semblance of romance with stats, anecdotes, surveys because if they got it wrong, it must not exist.  Some realists were former romantics and that also lends credence to the idea that maybe marriage is antiquated, perhaps mutually beneficial arrangements are the way to go.  Maybe as humans we just aren’t wired for monogamy.  I’m not this extreme either; its hard to ignore history and math but some things just aren’t made to be quantified.  People are different, exceptions can be made, we evolve, we adapt.

So I say all that to say, I fall in the middle.  I believe in the possibility of true love, not necessarily a soul mate.  It’s perhaps the reason that sometimes, even if everything seems good on paper, she’s just not……her.   Which is one of the most frustrating things about being a romantic realist; every one is the one, until she isn’t.  I’ve met incredible women over the years only to watch it go from 100 to a 0, real quick.  This doesn’t feel right anymore, do I cut my losses now or keep going and hope things change?  Is it fair to hold her to standard of gut feelings and projection?  If she was unsure about me, wouldn’t I want to know?  How would I process this information, would I try and disprove her doubts or just take my ball and go home?  These thoughts run through my mind as I tell her that “this isn’t working”, I try to explain but the reason will never be good enough, I was just bored/wanted to hit/ain’t shit whatever makes this easier.  And then…..back to the drawing board.

I look back on the moments I knew I was in love with someone, sometimes it was losing them in the first place, sometimes it was after a good laugh, or holding my hand, a funny look, a kiss, a gesture.  At that moment, I wanted to feel that way for the rest of my life but that’s where I was wrong, it’s more than a feeling (*opens Spotify cuz that song gonna be stuck in my head*) it requires work that I just expected to do itself.  Even if “the one” existed, I could blow it with her like any other woman and then what? Do I get a do over?  Pray for another one?  Or is that it?

Hopeless romantics and realists operate on two extremes but both think that things just ARE the way they are. A hopeless romantic just expects to see their soul mate across the room and live happily ever after, the realist expects a marriage to fail, men to cheat, women to take him down.  I believe that I just have to find one, and love her as hard as I can until I can’t anymore.  Its not destiny, its not statistics, its just…life.  And I plan to live it that way.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… BLACKISH

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So I ended up watching “Black-ish” last night.  I really hated the trailers but I gave it a shot, I’ve spent 30 minutes of my life doing worse.  I was also mildly amused by white people and for some reason Crystal “GOP BLACK chick”  Wright calling the show’s existence racist, especially since its just an overly neurotic Dad sitcom, a common trope in television (Home Improvement, Family Matters, According to Jim, My Wife and Kids, Modern Family also all ABC shows, and I didn’t even mean to, boom, nailed it).  Anyway, the show itself was….coo.  Not bad, not excellent, but coo.  What I found most interesting about the show was the initial scenes when the protagonist Andre, played by Anthony “I killed Law and Order” Anderson briefly narrates his black experience at work.  I don’t have a wife out my league and raising naive millennials but being the token black in a corporate setting? Now you’re talking my language, now you’re talking my language.  

At my job, I’m not only a sparce black but also one of the youngest there.  And I love my job, and I’ve grown used to a certain standard of living (glosses over me writing about leaving my comfort zone about a week ago *resists urge to toss hat and shmoney dance*).  But being the black sheep in the herd isn’t the greatest arrangement. So while Black-ish isn’t anything spectacular; I did appreciate those scenes For Colored Boys Who Considered Self Employment When Side Eyes and Blank Stares Wasn’t Enuf. The struggle is indeed real.

Especially when coworkers want to ask you about Ferguson and it feels like an interview more than a conversation.

Or you let your hair grow out and you’re asked what did you do to it to make it so curly

Or when you give the head nod to another brother and they ask “how you know them”

Or when you’re listening to ratchet music or a podcast and they ask what you’re listening to and you really don’t want to say

Or when they make a Chappelle’s Show reference and expect props…..okay, I usually give props.

Or its just assumed that I have at least a kid

Or they reference a Rolling Stones song and they are surprised by that same props

Or when you hear them refer to an athlete as a thug and you really wonder what they really meant.

Or when a black woman is hired they assume we’re going to date soon

Or you speak and everything grows silent and you wonder if its respect or fear

Or they say who you look like and you know it’s about to be any black person

I dont work in a racist workplace, they mean well but sometimes you just want to freeze time like Zack Morris and exit immediately.  Like Anderson’s character sometimes  I’m just thinking too much but most of the time I can just let things ride.  Another aspect of the show I hope they explore is how the kids of this new age sees race less.  I let more things slide than my father would, my kids will hopefully have nothing to let slide in the first place (wishful thinking).  Life is too short, sometimes the blinders are necessary for ones own sanity.  Society isnt perfect, like not even remotely but I’m strutting into a nice building listening to Jeezy and getting paid for it.  Things could be much worse.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CUFF

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Cuffing season is upon us.  The time when you start getting less “where the wave at” texts from your homies, and more “I been thinking about you” texts from your exes.  The weather gets colder, TV gets good; tis the season to get chose.  But a season can’t truly be kicked off without predictions (sure to be wrong). 

#BoldCuffingSeasonPredictions

You’re much more likely to meet someone at the grocery store, gym or cafe.

Its just not going to work with that followed you’re DMing.

Quirky is the new hot

Instagram is like match.com for narcissists, buyer beware.

Dogs are the best wingmen you can have

Your ex hasn’t changed.  They haven’t.

Online dating will only work in major metropolitan cities

Whether one calls or texts will lend no credence to how they feel

There’s someone you don’t know yet but sees you regularly, do something different and get their attention.

Wednesday night is the perfect night for a date

If every third sentence is an innuendo, take the hint

Late subways, long lines, you’ll be surprised how common aggravations unite people

“Thick girls are made for cuddling” – A.L. Benjamin.  Still true.

A dope graphic tee is the best icebreaker you can have

You won’t be the only one until you ask to be

They’re not your ex.  They’ll never be your ex.

If you meet a guy on a dating site; they probably have an offline girlfriend

If you meet a woman on a dating site; they want a relationship, not you

Its 2014, no one loses numbers anymore.  Respond to their “who’s this” with a “never mind” and watch how quickly their memory jogs.

Men don’t mind being asked out too.

Most breakups happen on a Monday, I just found that interesting.

Most relationships are made or broken in 4-5 months, if you start now you can clinch a Thanksgiving playoff berth, a thoughtful Christmas gift and might even have make it to Valentines Day.  And then you mourn the breakup for a bit and youre back at it in the spring.  Ridiculous, perhaps. But hey, people seem to ride with it. And to those I say, Happy hunting.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… COMFORT

Editors Note: This was supposed to be a different post entirely and turned into just me thinking out loud….just ride with me for a minute

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So I was shopping for clothes, because fall is the season for stunting on muhfuggas.  After a long summer of not working out as much, ordering out because it was too damn hot, and getting plenty of play anyway, well let’s just say I put on a few pounds.  Now, since I lost the weight over a year ago I wore a L regular, I tried on shirts in that size and….I got them on.  They made due now but will I be able to wear them in November, not so sure.  (For the record, I’m going to get my shit together, more D&F posts and all that).  I opted for XLs to be on the safe side.  I wasn’t happy with where I was but there was only so much to be done at this point, so I will deal.  That’s what comfort ultimately is, you’re just okay in your ways.

Comfort is a gift and a curse, its satisfying to feel content with a situation but its also a trap; get too comfortable and you never change.  Jobs, dating life, living situation, eventually you just have to tell yourself this is cool, but its not good enough.  Its something I have to remind myself of constantly.  I spent last summer comfortable in a long distance situationship only to be gut checked and realize I wasted a summer being enamored with words on a screen.  I spent this past summer climbing up a corporate ladder while looking longingly at the escalator for creatives. And I spent this summer chilling out maxing relaxing all cool and now my shirts have an X in them again.  I regret nothing, but I still can say, I can do better than this.  

I’ve always been more realist than dreamer, as more INFJ types tend to be.  I don’t think I fear failure as much as I look and run 5 simulations before I leap.  I admire dreamers who just don’t care and just do.  Several childhood friends of mine decided to be rappers, they’re terrible but I’ve written songs and books that’ll never see the light of day so they are doing better than me in that regard.  Reine is a big dreamer and I admire that about her, even if some things are just flat out insane.  Realists are not always confined to comfort, I can recognize dead end situations and will hit eject and others well, if it ain’t broke…

I think we all need a healthy dose of comfort and unpredictability.  I want a steady paycheck, to go home to the same pretty face, to be confident in my own appearance and ability, but I don’t want to do the same thing for 40 years, I don’t want to be in a relationship I’m not happy in, or to be so comfortable that I’m 350 lbs and still making the same salary I did at 23.  Some people march to the beat of their own drum, they are a barista at Starbucks in Hollywood waiting for their big break.  It might work out for them but that person isn’t me.  And I’m comfortable with that.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… ANNOYANCES

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Lowkey, im kinda impressed by the creativity

So on Twitter, there was the 48295th debate on men’s basketball shorts and the women who long to steal them.  It’s a popular topic amongst Twitter folks primarily because its a playful fight between sexes that can never quite go left.  Personally, I’m petty you start touching my stuff, I’m touching yours.

*Looks at cabinet full of Tupperware he never bought*

“Stealing” is just one of those relationship quirks you really don’t think about until the glow of newness starts to fade then it gets flat out annoying.  You used to love when she ate off your plate and she did a little dance as she chewed because apparently she’s 5, then after a few fights, you know what, no one told your ass to order a salad.  I knew it was the beginning of the end of a relationship when we were arguing about whose carmex it was (it was mine tho).  In the honeymoon phase things of the sort are cute, but then as time passes…..eh, not so much.

This blog is kinda like one of my “quirks”, I write about my life and people in it to strangers.  When I first tell women I write, they love SFW, will read every post….then it becomes “oh, so you buying chicks drinks now?” “Was that about me” “I didn’t know you still talked to her” and ultimately “I can’t read anymore because something is going to piss me off”.  I go from witty to an asshole, real quick, real quick whole squad on that real sh t. I’ve gone from homebody to loser, stocky to fat, frugal to broke, flirt to disrespectful.  Can’t argue too much because in that same vein there’s plenty of things I tolerated  that got real old once the shine wore off.  Like stealing basketball shorts. And food. And carmex. And that $10 laying around the house you know you drop

TV habits- I don’t watch much TV, I have a few shows I like and otherwise its Sports, News and Documentaries.  Then you start dating and you see there’s 284 reality shows about some women who used to date someone who used to be famous, wedding cakes, and teen mothers

You don’t have the answers Sway- Theres problems and there’s solutions, its why I work in Finance the numbers add up or they don’t.  So when someone vents to me with problems, I propose a solution, and apparently that’s never allowed. I’m supposed to just listen to rants about that homegirl you choose to hang with

Self depreciation- We are all modest at times but after a while I’m gonna need you to accept a damn compliment, or stop talking about the 50leven flaws I either don’t see or don’t care about.

Jealousy- Is cute for all of 15 minutes. 

Let that hurt go- We all end up single because someone broke our hearts or someone didn’t want us.  If its been an extended amount of time and you’re still talking about your ex, guess who no longer cares.

Crying- People underestimate how awkward it is to be around someone crying when you’re not. 

People are annoying.  We know this.  I’m sarcastic, will be all over you and be annoyed by your presence in the same day, I correct people a lot, I don’t like nice things, I’m aloof at random times, I’m the pickiest eater ever, I’m arrogant, and I can make a woman fall in love and break her heart at the same damn time (I did a poll and they are all wrong). Part of what makes love what it is, is that we know this person is an annoying, nagging thief and we wouldn’t have them any other way.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… STAY

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So last week, The IlluminaTMZ released a second video actually showing the assault of Janay Palmer Rice by her then fiance Ray Rice, former Baltimore Raven and June 19ers fantasy player.  I expressed my feelings on the initial video, then again following reaction to his diminutive 2 game suspension, and now the story has been given new life because people are realizing that how poorly this was handled from day one.  Suddenly people are curious why wasn’t he imprisoned, why was he only given a 2 game suspension (ironically enough he would’ve been reinstated today), and of course, why did Janay stay with him and has since married him and to this day is riding out for him.

This sparked an online debate of why do women stay, why do women leave, and why do outsiders even care about what life she chooses to live.  If you’ve been reading this blog or follow me on Twitter, you know I’m staunchly against a man hitting a woman; yes its a double standard, no I don’t give a fuck.  I ain’t pass the the Bar but I know a little bit, enough to know it’s against the law to assault people.  That’s not me concerning myself with people’s private lives, that’s not me expressing fake outrage.  I’m also aware in different eras, this may not have always been as black and white as it appears to me now.

I’ve had discussions with other people who support Janay standing by her family and trying to push forward.  They cite what their grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles have done and sometimes shit just happens.  I don’t agree, but I can understand.  Some people are just conditioned to love being hard, adverse, a struggle, and as I’ve expressed numerous times here, it doesn’t have to be.  I don’t want a woman I would have to strike to gain respect, nor a woman who doesn’t have enough respect for me as a man to strike me.  Yes, we all seen the old grumpy couple who seemingly abhor each other but still together because, where else they going to go.  We’ve also seen women stick around abusive relationships and be killed by that very person.   I personally feel there’s violence where there’s no respect, no respect where there’s no love, but this time I have no law to support it, I’ll just be in my camp they can be in theirs. 

As for my final words on Raymell and Janay, because I legit cannot debate this anymore for my own faith in humanity; what I saw in that video I do not believe was a “bad night” or a mistake.  I’ve knocked out grown men and immediately after felt some remorse, this man KO’ed his fiancée and couldn’t even pick her up or pull her skirt down.  I don’t agree with her standing by her man, but I can understand it to a degree.  I think the NFL shouldn’t be held accountable for what the law should be doing.  I don’t believe that was his first time striking her, for her and their daughter’s sake I can only pray it’s his last.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… UNICORN

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I’m one of those guys who are attracted to quirks.  Of course, I’m attracted to physical features as much as the next guy, but I’m far more likely to talk to the woman with the bomb perfume on than the one with v neck.  I’ll talk to the woman reading a book before a woman on her smartphone.  If I’m at the bar, I’ll probably talk to girl with an exotic drink than the one with cranberry and vodka.    There’s no rhyme or reason to one being superior to the other but different catches my attention.  (#wellactually all these women approached would have things I can use as an icebreaker, but that’s not the point I’m making).  Different is interesting.  Different gets noticed.  Or maybe I just bore easily….shrug life.

So anyway, I got a reader email, and it was the usual, I’m attractive, I’m employed, I’m respectful, but I’m unchose.  Now the curious case of single sucessful black woman is well documented.  Usually from the extremes, the women point the finger at men, the men point the finger right back at them.  Personally, I don’t believe in “hookup culture” no matter how many homely looking, introverted women write about it on Thought Catalog (that felt mean, I’m sorry) or that every dude suffers from some Peter Pan syndrome.  I also don’t believe that women are too independent, too churchy, or too angry.   Really, I think the reason so many great catches are single is because, well there’s so many great catches.  As the reader went on to describe herself, she sounded like 12 other people I know, so the real question was

What separates YOU from the 1000s of other beautiful, successful women in your area? 

Plenty of pretty women cook, are open and vocal about their sexuality, like sports, play video games, don’t mind men who let themselves go, allegedly low maintenance, are hopeless romantics, don’t get jealous, don’t like to club, etc the types of things that supposedly make them “unicorns” are fairly commonplace now, to the point you probably can say men are spoiled by it.  So how does one stand out in a sea of eligible bachelorettes?  Going back to my original point….just be different.  Embrace what makes you weird.  Never know who finds it adorable. 

-Stan-

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