Today’s Word is… BITTER

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As an adult male, sans online you make new male friends primarily off a shared experience, run ball together, live near each other or work together.  You can make new female friends the same way but there’s also the accidental friendship; one of you tried to pursue a relationship, the other turned down (for what) this offer and now you’re left with two options, chill in this here friendzone or take your ball and go home.  The former is usually the option since people hate appearing bitter even if they feeling some type of way about this curve they just received.  For what its worth, I think more people should be bitter, sometimes its okay to say “you broke my heart, so f ck you”. Friendships are just as optional as relationships, there’s truly no need to be in one that doesn’t make you happy. 

Perhaps it is because bitter is such a loaded word.  It’s synonymous with hating, “who hurt you” and rancor.  No one wants to appear bitter, be called bitter or even admit to themselves that they are bitter.  It was a struggle that I have fought myself plenty of times.  From back in the day, all the girls I had a crush on around the way called me their big brother, me and Dessi having regular conversation like a heartbreak didn’t happen, remaining civil with an ex and us both pretending we’re not in love with each other.  Men typically are used to swallowing this bullet anyway, I’m not going to be churlish with someone just because they choose not to be with me (of course I’m speaking for men, not buckfoys who seemingly have no sense of coping skills).  In that same sense, there’s times when I realized that it was no point in keeping up a facade and saw my way out.  (Which always seems to turn the tables and now she’s sweating you but that’s besides the point)

You can’t make someone stop feeling, stop hurting or even swallow the rejection to maks your life easier.  Its something I’m learning still.  When I’m on the other side of the table, I have no control on whether they want to stay or go, just as none of my dreams deferred had a choice.  However, the key is still to make a choice and not waver. Don’t tell me you’re my friend and all you’re doing is trying to woo me, don’t tell me you’re my friend and passive aggressively unload your hurt.  Don’t tell me you’re my friend and really you’re just planning to flip the script so you can then reject me (this last one might’ve been me a few times, but I’m petty. Jesus is fixing me. Judge your auntie.)

Rejection sucks. It hurts worse then stepping on a lego at midnight or getting a charlie horse mid coitus.  What I will say is, even if I initially planned to give her that work be more than a friend, some of my closest homegirls I wouldn’t trade for the world.  Depsite the fact, she probably was planning to put my face in a figure four leglock be Mrs Stan Gemini and was denied, I would hope one could appreciate me as a kind, supportive, friend.  And I give great hugs.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… SELFIE

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It recently occured to me, Me and Her never did it.

Me and Reine did it frequently.

Me and Ms. Avo did it a few times, now we do it ourselves for the other one.

She hated when I did it alone, thought it was weird; even though she did all the time, I always caught her.

Of course,  I’m talking about selfies.  I detest the word but a self taken photograph sounds way too official for a picture of your reflection in the mirror or self controlled mugshot.  For men, selfies have been a gift from gawd, especially when you can see anyone from your new boo to your favorite model or actress at any time without a photoshoot.  As for men taking them; they get a bad rep.  People point to vanity, narcissism and self importance.  True, but its also capturing a moment in time, ego boosting and well, kinda necessary.  Its a way to keep up with friends and family, a prominent part of dating now and well, I’m a grown ass man and will do what I please.

I have about 215 posts on Instagram, I would say bit less than a 3rd are “selfies”.  When I joined 2 years ago it was a good way to keep track of my weight loss, I could visibly see my face thinning, arms toning etc, there was the added element of putting it out in public that let friends and family take notice and their additional support guided me (perhaps I need to start doing that more….cuz, yeah).  I don’t think I’m over the top, the day I post 12 pics of the same damn outfit or start posing shirtless, please identify yourself as a reader and then kick me.  You’ll never catch me posing by some car that isn’t mine, or wearing somebody else’s chain, or tonguing down a significant other.  In that same vein, I want to see what my friends and family are up to, a Facebook update is just as efficient as that dusty wallet photo. 

Selfies are a pretty big deal in dating as well.  Men had a good run as “the visual creatures” but these days women tryna see something too.  There’s still no country for dicktures,  but isn’t a woman I met that hasn’t hit me with a picture inquiry of my face, my outfit, my dinner.  Dating long distance? Its almost a prerequisite (cuz #catfish).  Once again, selfies have replaced the wallet photo where a friend will quickly show a picture or social account of their newest flame or conquest.  And of course there’s the couple selfie; an unofficial rite of passage.  Every girl I’ve dated probably has a picture of me, not every one has one with me.  Shrug life.

We can pretend to hate selfies all we want, they aren’t going anywhere.  The 50th President of the United States will probably pass on the official portrait and upload his or her own.  Assuming they themselves don’t have any “other” selfies floating around the interwebs. Cuz, yeah.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… TEXTING

[Editors Note: Its the repost baby....ain't like y'all read every post before anyway, okay maybe one of you did, but the rest enjoy like its new]

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You know the story: Boy meets girl. Boy charms girl. Girl gives Boy her number. Boy walks home happy, lighting up the sidewalks like in the Billie Jean video.  MJ Gone, our nickel dead.  While he’s celebrating his new acquisition, he forgets that last boss battle, he charmed her enough for a number, but now that he’s found love what is he gonna do, with it.  Heavy D gone too, damn.  He must again charm her enough to get to know her better or in up in something far less than the friend zone, “the meh zone”.  The Meh zone is where boring texters go, when conversations never go much beyond:

“Hey you”
“Sup”
“Nm, u”
“Chillin”
“Ok cool”

And….scene. 

A nice text game is essential in a new age of dating.  Gone are the days of sitting in the kitchen on the house phone talking about eachothers day, trying to keep your late night r&b radio voice going.  They’re busy, you’re busy, texts are convenient (even though some people act as if we’re still on landlines and will be all types of mad if you don’t answer their texts the second you get them, or everytime you hit them up they only going to talk about the times you didn’t, like seriously, if you wanted an instant response or some way to know I’m busy why not, you know, call…okay mini rant over).  Whether its on the phone or texting, the point is to have something to say, the awkward silences followed by “my mother needs to use the phone” is now just the “ok.”

I’ve been meh zoned, I’ve meh zoned.  Some people I just drift into the abyss, others I made a valiant comeback.  Of course, I’m an aspring writer who spends his spare time writing 600 word posts about whatever pops into my mind so making spontaneous conversation is a piece of cake.  It’s more an issue of if I actually care to.  Which brings me to step #1 of getting out the meh zone

1. Assess why you care- If i really dont wanna get to know you better, its hard to fake the funk.
2. Be random, be memorable- Hey beautiful works, random song lines works better
3. Death to LOL- i always hated lol, even in aol chatroom days.  Most texts are assumed to be in jest you dont have to attach lol to everything
4. Use your surroundings- Talk about a coworker, people watch, something on tv, rarely are you in solitary confinement and texting theres always something to talk about
5. I know you’re bored- We all text when we’re bored, its assumed, you dont need to say such.

The meh zone is an inconvenience but it’s fairly easy to recover.  No different from being on the phone, or actually out on a date, we all just want to be entertained and engaged, and when we’re not we’ll find something or someone else. As you know, I’m iffy on texting period but I do appreciate a free flowing back and forth conversation, it shouldn’t be a chore.  Oh and umm don’t text and drive….the more you know n sh t. 

-Stan-
 

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Today’s Word is… BIG

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For better part of my dating life, I’ve dated bigger women.  Not as a fetish, not as a secret, not as the safer alternative. I never even heard the terms “BBW” or “pear/apple shape” until social media, where it’s taken somewhat of a life of its own.   To be real, I don’t like to even refer to a woman as a “big girl”, it lends itself to the notion that she’s somehow different from any other girl.  I have similar stances to women outside my race and older. As for thicker women, its primarily just been what I’ve been attracted to; man like curves, chubby girl has curves, man likes chubby girl, I never thought I was doing anything special, nor did she.   I don’t defend my preference, I detest those memes about how big girls ride better, nor did I ever feel as though she was or ought to be “easier”. She’s my girlfriend not a statement.

Enter….Lily (she had another name but I forgot), me and Lily dated briefly one summer, didn’t work out.  For a multitude of reasons.  Me and Lily remained civil, and by civil I mean she pops up every couple of months trying to get that old thing back after some other dude broke her heart.  On her latest attempt, I respectfully decline #thelob, she sits and reflects on this rejection and retorts “its because I’m fat, I know it is you ain’t gotta lie.”

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Dramatization of my reaction

Full disclosure, after I broke up with Lily way back when my next girlfriend was fairly petite, so in her mind it was forever engrained that she was REALLY my type.  The dialogue that followed went into how every man “likes” the big girl, they’ll flirt, they’ll smash, they’ll entertain but at the end of the day they always rather wife a smaller woman yada yada yada.  At this point, I could correct her, maybe even reassure her of her beauty, but it would fall on deaf ears; I’m just another man who didn’t want her.  My inaction will speak louder than words.  These are the breaks.

For what its worth, I never cared about her weight.  What turned me off to her as you could tell from that anecdote was a overall lack of confidence. Just as I think most men, whether she’s skinny or plenty, has a low tolerance for low self esteem.  When we dated, I always felt I set a standard that hopefully she would forever hold others to.  She’s someone’s queen, even if she isn’t mine.  However I set one standard, society and cold beds set another.  Lily has unfortunately fallen into this fallacy of what a “big girl’s” dating life should be…..low expectations, promiscuity, overcompensation.  Alas, she returns to my inbox with another story wondering if this is what its supposed to be like, I tell her no, she doesn’t believe me. Perhaps I just got persuer privilege (not that its so easy for a chubby brotha….spinoff post? Maybe.) But what I do know is, size doesn’t dictate worth.  Lily is no less worthy of love than Kelly Rowland, and hopefully, eventually she’ll accept that not from me but from herself.  Also, say no to Buckfoys kids, like seriously.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… LOYAL

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So you not taking that pay cut?

So because its summer and my Red Sox are flat out depressing to watch, I been investing all my energy into keeping up with NBA Free Agency.  What I find fascinating about it all, well besides the numbers, tax implications, evaluating contracts (after all I did go to school for sports management) is the all the guilt tripping the media, teams and fans are trying to do. Its easy for a fan to want their favorite player to stay on their favorite team even if that team has no chance in winning; or for a GM to come out publicly and try to shame a star for getting the most money they can,  or ESPN to have a roundtable discussion about legacies and loyalty.  Its all exploitative.  Free agents should be able to do whatever they wish without having to feel bad about how much they got paid or the fans they leave behind, that’s the point of being free.  These pros ain’t loyal, and they shouldn’t be.  LeBron James is as obligated to take a pay cut as a single person is to be faithful to someone they aren’t with. 

Whether its the one they broke up with 3 weeks ago, an e bae, workspouse, parent of their child, someone they just smashing, there’s always someone who assumes loyalty without doing the one thing that assumes loyalty which is enter a monogamous relationship.  Instead again they guilt their way out of it “if he/she was serious they wouldn’t be still dating”, “don’t ask ‘what are we’”, and of course calling them a heaux for doing what all single people do.   Hell, even people in a relationship have complete freedom to walk away from a bad situation but usually they don’t, even when they have a plethora of reasons to.  These “pros” ain’t loyal.  Loyalty has became more of a weakness than the strength its implicates.  We don’t choose self as often as we ought to.

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That’s not to say loyalty isn’t appreciated at all, I just don’t see it as a pre-requisite to a relationship.  I wouldnt want a woman to be all about me while I’m still single. She’s “building trust and loyalty” that I’m not sure she’ll cash in on, so its like taking home tickets from the arcade that’s closing in a week. (Sidebar you notice how you never have enough tickets for anything you actually want except a slinky….conspiracy I say) I think when we’re content that “loyalty” comes anyway, but to flat out expect it, once again shows a lack of accountability.  I could never ask someone I’m talking to, or just entertaining to amnesty everyone else for me without actually asking for a relationship.  Of course, no one wants someone they care about basking in the affections of another but that’s the way it should be, claim or forfeit.  But things never are that simple, no matter how much I try to make it be.  This prose ain’t loyal.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… FRESH

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So for the past couple months, I along with the rest of the world have been inundated with TMI about Robin Thicke.  This had culminated with his latest album, “Paula”, an ode to his future ex wife and surely the soundtrack to anyone who’ll be dumped in the next few months and too lazy to find better emo music.  I’ve listened to the album, cause masochist, and to me it just comes off as token fake vulnerability.  It’s like the basketball player who puts up 40 while his team gets blown out, outsiders can peer in and say oh well at least HE’S trying.    Its the appearance of effort because its painfully obvious he’s most likely not gonna get her gon get her gon get her back. (Great writing there Robin).  So whats the point of this public display of apology?  Turn the public against her for doing what most ought to do? To make the next one want to be Superwoman?  Once again use the Marvin Gaye playbook to sell 700K albums?  All the above?  Sway ain’t got the answers.

It all seems futile to me.  Yeah yeah fight for love but forgiving and forgetting always sound good in theory when it just about never happens.  Especially when its made public.  For the sake of argument, lets say Paula is moved by that wack album and takes him back….I’ll be #thatguy and say it

Its probably better to start fresh elsewhere.

We love to say “lets start over”, but memories don’t live like people do, they always ‘member you and whether things are good or bad, it’s just the memories that you have. (Gold star if you read that in the Beenie Man voice).  We all have forgiven someone and we can swear on anything we won’t open that old wound, water under the bridge, clean slate…the memory lurks.  Paula will have leverage over the marriage for the rest of their lives, in my opinion, that’s not love. 

You often see my reference the fact that I don’t re-date exes or believe in breaks.  I know I don’t forget easily, I tried the off/on thing with “Her” but at the end of the day neither of us truly forgave the other for breaking our hearts and we never will pending time travel (get on it Google).  All we could do was heal, apart, and find another who could love with an actual clean slate, ignorance indeed being bliss and doing everything I can to keep that slate as clean as possible. 

That’s not to say relationships cant be repaired but sometimes the repairs cost so much its better to start over.  With Robin/Paula I think that’s the case.  But then again I’m just an unmarried consumer so I’ll stick to what I know……..this album stinks.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… EXCEPTION

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One of my biggest turn offs is when a woman is too hard on an ex.  We all love and lose but there’s nothing attractive about a lack of coping skills. Eventually, I’m not going to be the shiny new red ball in her life and if she can’t respect the previous men in her life, I’ll assume she won’t respect me.  I think in essence we are all who we attract and while we all might have a blemish or two on our dating resumes eventually its time to look at the common denominator.  To that same extent, no matter how the relationship ended, you’ll never hear a disparaging word about someone I loved.  I don’t need to my current to even think twice about my ex, let alone hate her.  Yet it seems I’m in the minority in that regard because between R&Buckfoy dominating the airwaves or Captain Save Ems carpe DMing women right after they spent the last hour bad mouthing the last dude, people don’t care about respect for others provided they are respected.  They are content being an exception.

I don’t understand how women can sit and let their man call another woman out her name, or how a man is willing to sleep with a bad mother.  How “I don’t hang with females” girl is okay with how her homies treat their girlfriends or how women turn up to “these heauxs aint loyal”.   This twitter famous dude just leaked some girls nudes, let me send him some.  Perhaps its ego to think that you’re so unlike anyone else they can’t possibly do that to you.  You’re different, you’re special.  Apparently.

I’ve spoken at length here about how at one point I was guilty of acquiring new love in lieu of reflecting on why the last one failed.  I’ve also spoke on myself believe I was the exception.  She cheated with me because I’m irresistible not because she’s just immature and constantly needs attention.  She harassed her ex, there’s no way she’d do that to me if I treat her right.  She dragged his name through the mud but he had it coming, I’m different.  In all 3 scenarios, I wasn’t special, I wasn’t different, I was x in her algebraic equation of fuggery.  Sometimes people are who they are.

I won’t go so far to say people don’t change, but I will say, we give others passes too often because we think it can’t happen to us.  Maybe I’m alone in the idea that treating everyone like shit but me isn’t good enough.  Poor character will always rear its ugly head, a bad temper will eventually go off, and disrespectful people will always disrespect people.  Just say no to assholes, kids.

-Stan-

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