Today’s Word is… GROWTH

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Tell em Auntie....no Maya Angelou is not my aunt, but I think I could probably sell people on that lie, its so random it just might work

Yeah so I’m just kinda thinking out loud….vibe with me.

So I’m on my commute home and I see this dude and his lady doing entirely too much PDA on the train.  Kids these days.  Anyway, she gets off at her stop, he gets one more smooch for the road and these other two newbreeds get on and they happen to know him.  Train departs…

“Yo she fat as sh t fam, that’s how you do”
“Ain’t even like that, she just sucks my d ck”

Two white women really wish they didn’t hear that, an old lady clutches her pearls, another woman rolls her eyes and turns up her music. He shares a glance with me because he knew I peeped game, I go back to reading my book. 

The girl was a little hefty but she was pretty in the least R Kelly way possible and dude was just dragging her to impress some other guys, what part of the game is that?  Its one of those things that I thought was common knowledge but isn’t.  I think I don’t give my parents enough credit that I’m actually a pretty good guy and apparently there’s large room for error.

Now I don’t know that newbreed from a hole in a wall but I will say the guy that would grope his girlfriend in public on the subway would turn around and mock her to his friends.  The man with 3 kids, 3 mothers probably isn’t the one you should mess with.  I’m never floored by the viral “exposing” that goes on on Twitter, you mean the guy with an @ I _______ hoes name isn’t above posting revenge porn, that’s a shocker.  They say don’t judge a book by it’s cover but sometimes only a few pages is needed to see the book ain’t sh t. 

People grow, people change but less than we give credit for.  I’m more mature than I was but 16 year old me wouldn’t have disowned my lady, 16 year old me wouldn’t have a child and not take of them.  Or maybe I’m cynical when I think that for the most part people are who they are but with hindsight we become better people.  We know right and wrong, we know what we’re supposed to do at school, at work, in a relationship, in society we just choose not to because we don’t care.  I’d like to think I can look at myself 10 years ago and even in the hood, even with the 4X tee, ignorant as all hell and say he’s going to be alright.  Even my friends at the time, their paths didn’t turn out as different as you would’ve guessed 10 years ago (2 college grads, a hardworking father, a good dude, and the rest still in the hood, prison or lost to the streets).  Anyway, the point of all this is to say that as we get older we still become the realized version of the seed planted many years ago.  Rarely can we look back 10 years and say we’re exactly what we planned to be, but morals, empathy, respect….you don’t just learn those, they aren’t necessarily acquired with age either.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CUFFING

[Editor's Note: Another oldie but goodie, with a few added thoughts, also i think ima just post on Mondays (and maybe Thursday) going forward...enjoy]

Awww n shit

“I don’t wanna be a player no more” – Joe

Cuffing season is upon us.  No BDSM.  For those  who aren’t aware of this phenomena, basically when the weather cools down people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves desiring to be “cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship.  

(Yeah I know ita Spring now, also for what its worth spring should be officially “cuffing” season, beautiful days call for outings with beautiful women, rainy days in > snow days, thunder buddies, and if April showers bring May flowers who is going to get said flowers…you ain’t got the answers Sway)

I never been one to pay much attention to said season, for me it’s always cuffing season, I suck at being single.  Ironically enough, I love to date win over new hearts, hit the reset button on all my funny stories but I’m not the single type.  I much rather be in a relationship, and because I haven’t done a list in a while I will do so now

Top 10 reasons why I prefer Relationships

10. Taken Men are way more desired: Something I noticed, women love them some taken men.  Perhaps its wanting what they can’t have or the fact that they actually have another person to size themselves up to but I always get more attention in a relationship than single (not that I take advantage, I’m a loyal dude and whatnot)

9.  Sense of accomplishment: If everyone supposedly is looking for that one, if you are in a stable relationship, aren’t you winning? Some would say otherwise but I’ll happily go out with the team and know I already have pink matter waiting back home, it’s like having a first round bye.

8. Relationship Fraternity: It’s hard to relate to people in relationships when you’re single, it’s like being the only person who hasn’t seen The Dark Knight Rises yet (is it on DVD yet? *sigh*).

(I’ve seen Dark Knight but haven’t seen Captain America, so still *sigh* #blerdlines)

Single person always going to cosign your flawed argument and suggest you leave,  they want you to pledge Single Beta Single.  

7. Get away with soft stuff: Romantic comedies, wearing pastel colors, candles, not going to the bar, all man laws that are okay to be broken when you’re in a relationship.  If I wasn’t sure I could pull a look off, “shorty got it for me” was my foolproof excuse.

It was a gift…

6. Always having +1: The Friday night in scrolling thru your phone struggle is real, it’s nice to always have a date for whatever, networking events, restaurants you want to try, sitting in the crib watching netflix, it’s always better with someone.  

5. Reflection: You learn a lot about yourself in a relationships, things your family may not tell you, your friends may not notice and you’re unwilling to accept about yourself.  Good and bad, relationships help mold you. A good woman knows how to call you on your sh t without being a nag, its a lost art.

4. Consistent Sex: Well, duh

3. Getting better at sex: We talking about practice man, it’s what stops one from becoming the “talks too much guy” or “Mr. licks too fast”, also you teach her like Yeezy.  There’s a comfort when you’re in a relationship than just casually smashing, you can be direct and honest and try things.

2. Perks: Having someone to talk to, someone in your corner, someone to make a sideeye with in awkward conversation, someone to

Perks.

pick up your dry cleaning while their out, a guarenteed Birthday present, there’s plenty of perks that just come with a relationship you don’t even realize until they’re gone

 

 

 

1. Love: The obvious one, being in love.  It’s the ultimate high, being with someone you love and loves you all the same.  You have that extra pep in your step because they kissed you as you left, just hearing their name makes you swoon.  The idea that someone was once a stranger, and now you can’t see yourself without them, it’s the penultimate feeling.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… ONLINE

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“Yo you wanna roll with me to lunch later”

“1 o clock”

“Not downstairs, we’re going over by the mall”

*I give confused face*

“Getting up with these shorties”

Yeah he should’ve just opened with that.  So we head over to this Chili’s, there’s two women already there, a slim darkskinned woman and another lighter thicker one. 

“One on the right (the thick one) is me”

Anyway, this isn’t a post about this awkward impromptu double date; its about how he and her met…..on Tinder.  Now, I had only recently heard of Tinder, ironically it might’ve been on a podcast I was listening to that same morning.  Basically, its a dating app based on location and initial attraction, you look up people in your area, and can only contact people who find you attractive (at least that’s what I took from it; writers research bloggers opine).  What I also thought I understood was that because it was a location based app, it was moreso for hookups and here we were on a double lunch date because he found two attractive women who worked nearby.  I don’t know if he’s doing it wrong or is some sort of genius.  Also in true light skinned fashion, I learned all this over lunch, the whole ride there he ain’t mention a Tinder, let me see a picture or nothing. 

They seem to hit it off, despite knowing each other only about 12 minutes and I was just amazed, is it this easy?  Hell, I’ve worked with him for months, I just started to like him.  Not judging her, but only thing fueling their interaction is physical attraction at this point.   Me and the other girl, never was given a chance to swipe left or right and only thing we talked about was the basic introduction and how random this was, actually we had quite a bit of nice conversation, maybe I should text her or something.  Anyway, the irony is we “met through friends” the traditional route to a relationship, they basically liked each other’s pic and here we are.  Game done changed.

I’ve dated online, but I’ve always drawn the line at actual online dating sites.  Something about actively trying to date online, I’m not quite there yet.  I’d be curious on who metrics say I’m compatible with, but still….no.  Something like Tinder, definitely not.  For one, I don’t think I’m “smash on sight” attractive, I woo, I charm, I court, I’m more of an acquired taste.   It also strikes me as capitalistic, I can see some people inundated with messages while others have tumbleweed, then it becomes less about finding a person you want but a person who’ll want you and knowing myself I’ll be charming for sport, once again.  Men don’t think about desperation when it comes to online dating as much as women might, wider pools more fish.  Primary example, two young black professionals go on a blind date off Tinder, and its perfectly normal in 2014. (Well, she did bring a friend and want to meet in a public place, cuz #staywoke).  However, like I said….I’m not there yet.  If I’m single at 30, I’ll see if my Match and I find some eharmony over where Black people meet or where Christians mingle OK, Cupid?

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… SUPERWOMAN

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I used to be able to read the Iliad in Latin.

I used to know Pi to 20 places.

A Calculus textbook might as well be written in French, which I also used to know. 

I remember their birthday.
Most of their favorite foods.
I remember their relatives.
Stories of their past, their memories forever intertwined with mine as if I experienced them myself.

Eh, give me Latin.

Its a dead language of romance but still more valuable than the language of dead romance that is lost intimacy.  I think about the times I allowed myself to be vulnerable and while in the moment it was a feeling of peace like no other but when the love fades I’m just trying to get them secrets back.  I don’t want to be her and his pillow talk, a funny story she shares during ladies night, (or the subject of a blog, twitter rant, loosely characterized in a novel).  Ultimately, I got to take the L, because generally women want vulnerability.  Not shamelessly open, as she still wants to be one that turns breaks down the walls.  She wants to be Superwoman.  However, men typically aren’t looking to be saved.  At least I’m not.

In my experience, the most vulnerable of men are simply being manipulative. They are way more in their feelings, unapologetically broke, no plans just dreams, grinds no investments.  I look at my sister and Hurricane Buckfoy and all I see is a relationship of duty not love.  Mistresses know of the partner who makes him so unhappy, and she’s the escape. I have a friend who notoriously dates “projects” if a few things come together he’d be perfect but in the meantime she’s his everything and she accepts the role, cape flying in the wind.

Now to keep it all the way 100, I too have used vulnerability for gains.  Men and women both run that “I’m afraid of getting too close” game. I’ve thrown bones just because, nothing really humbling but enough to build some form of intimacy.  Then I’ve really felt close enough to open up to people, shared things I never thought I would. Its almost like an out of body experience, you are telling yourself shut up but you’re just flowing.   She just takes it all in, the secrets, the emotions, the feelings and no burden is too great, she’s Superwoman.  But once its all over, now what? 

Superwoman finds a new person to save, just as I find myself having to start over with a new one.  Maybe in time my Superwomen will become like Calculus, and I’ll become like the lines this one girl forgot during a play in middle school…..see why do I know that but can’t remember C++, this some ol bullshit.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… SUPERMAN

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So, I miss her.  

I miss her quirkiness, her creativity, our chemistry. 

I miss the way I was when she was in my life, I was excited, optimistic, ready to conquer the world.  She was my muse, my peace, my hope.

With every subtle reminder, every drop of alcohol that lands in the pit of my stomach, every moment alone, I want to plan my comeback.  I can surprise her somehow, maybe write her something from the heart, maybe this post, I mean she used to read. If only I could remind her I used to mean as much to her as she me.

But what’s the point?  Maybe we can reconnect for a couple weeks, a few months, even a handful of days and while I would treasure every minute…it’d still be temporary. 

We could never be happy, because she’s unhappy. 

I have to remind myself of that fact when the urge to try resurfaces.  I could make her laugh, smile, swoon, cu…but still, I cannot make her happy. Its a recurring theme as of late, I’m falling out with people for no other reason than life sucks.  All I can do is exhibit patience, continue to reassure but eventually kind words fall on deaf ears.  Eventually “you don’t understand” and “you’re not there” and “you don’t care”, her distancing becomes your kryptonite.  Life has become my greatest foil; looking for love in a market of debt, stress and anguish.  Underemployed or unemployed, broken hearts and broken families, not that I’m remotely special, but I guess I can’t let life take love.  Work will always go “good”, my rants seldom on repeat, I just hate feeling like a burden.  Or maybe misery does need company; maybe I’m just not vulnerable enough?  (Spoiler alert: that’s the topic of the next post)

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I can’t be Superman, I’m a bandaid for a gunshot wound.  Yet I’m stubborn, I try to help anyway but life continues to win.  I can’t undo what her ex did, I can’t make those bills disappear, I can’t wipe away every tear, I can’t just fix her life so she can be with me.  All I can do is hopefully find someone with minimal baggage or someone who likes me enough not to care.  Its a sign of the times I suppose, people put off romance for life all the time, couples marry and have kids later in life if they do so at all, I know plenty of people who just swore off dating indefinitely.  This just might be one of those things I’m on the outside looking in on, my life is far from what I want it to be but shit, I can multitask.

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… CHARM

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“Ooh that looks good”

It was something simple like a sex on the beach, but I could care less what the drink was, it was an icebreaker. 

“Idk what to order, what would you recommend”

I’m a simple drinker, straight Hennessey or juice and vodka.  Just keeping the conversation going

“I drink on occasion mostly, how about you”

Now she usually downplays how often she drinks, except one time this woman was a self proclaimed connoisseur, actually put me on to a couple drinks but anyway

“So what you do in your spare time…yada yada yada, things that make you smile, what numbers to dial”

I probably never use the number, sometimes I forget and then realize the statue of intimations (yes, intimations) has passed on using this newly acquired form of communication.  It happens.

Now let’s switch roles

“Ooh that looks good”

I’m drinking something simple, she’s making an introduction

“What you recommend…”

I buy her a drink, we chat for a bit until she’s ready to go, she gives me her number, thanks for the drink, I leave feeling like

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Except she never gets back to me.  Now with me, I’m like UPS, I make 2-3 attempts before it becomes your responsibility to reach out (okay maybe one attempt, but I wanted to use the UPS line). 

The following were both true stories (the former actually happened this weekend) I’ve got at women for no reason other than boredom and ego boosting, and I’ve been soft curved by women who actually approached me the first time.  I don’t think either of us are necessarily wrong, charge it to the game.  The fun part is meeting new people but now that we found lust what are we going to do….with it.  Nothing. Nothing at all.  Theoretically, I’m wasting her time because in some alternate reality had I never approached her with my boredom, her future husband would’ve.  That one night with me she could’ve spent alone self reflecting and improving for the better.  Life is short, there isn’t time to waste.  However, I must ask:  Is there any lane for one to charm for sport?

I’ve said here before the difference between flirting and leading astray is perception).  You can’t control how someone feels about you.  now if I was expressing interest in a relationship or sleeping with them, thats another story (well technically not, but I can at least understand why one would feel some type of way) but otherwise, is there really any obligation to them?  In this new era of vulnerability and Drake albums you are seeing more people complain about rejection so much friendzoning someone is an indictment on their character.  How dare you be nice to anyone you don’t want to be with.  What happened to harmless flirting? Why can’t one just charm?

Because everything means something now.  Sometimes a flirty conversation is just a conversation, a dance is just a dance, exchanging numbers is just for show.   Every girl who likes my picture doesn’t want me, every dude paying a compliment isn’t trying to smash. We read so much into things that we ruin them; we crush ourselves via our own expectations.  We forget to enjoy a moment for what it is, a moment.  I got a number, hooray for me, she got hit on by a non creepy pseudo attractive guy hooray for her.  Now we can both take the +3 confidence points and live the rest of our lives or spend the next week or so wondering why one didn’t call/text the other.  This all makes sense, right?

-Stan-

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Today’s Word is… PRIVACY

[The following is a repost from about a year ago, an oldie but goodie with a few added thoughts, enjoy]

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The "I just found his blog" face

A little while back, Twitter quietly enabled a feature to download your own archives, every tweet you have ever sent there at your disposal.  Now I’m an admitted Twitter lover, I’ve had mines for over 4 years (5 now), about 30,000 tweets (41,000 which is about 8000 year, 21 a day, thats actually not THAT bad) to my credit.  It also serves as a snapshot of my life, my words, my thoughts as I grew and mature.  Some of it, I look back and laugh, others merely shake my head.  Notably a very public spat with “Her” that wasn’t a good look for either of us.  As time progressed and Twitter itself became more popular, more people I knew in real life started logging on and naturally I dialed back a little.  Not that I was essentially being someone that I was not, but rather there were traits I rather not have highlighted.  When I started this blog, I was going to make an accompanying twitter account but I thought better of it.  Like Facebook and Twitter before it, I didn’t want to once again have to worry about censorship or saying things here I would have to explain later.  I feel we are all entitled to some sort of privacy, something that’s is all but lost in a social media era.  

So there’s a girl, let’s call her “Special”, (met a new girl, shes not as special but ironically the same convo came up, as for Special, idk we just….stopped.) Anyway, now me and special are talking, she mentions something on instagram,

“Are you on instagram”
“Yeah”
“What’s your name”
“Tristan”

I mean she could’ve been more specific, but seriously there is a method to my madness.  Any person I’m considering seriously dating, complete social media blackout, don’t friend, follow, poke, like, tag, me.  I don’t have anything to hide but there’s nothing for you to see.  This was an easier sell than I even thought, perhaps because by now we all know somebody who has or personally have had a relationship end because of social media.  People are flirts, keyboard gangsters, their profiles are able to be access but hundreds or even thousands *fixes tie* of people, no one wants to embarrassed, that high road looks a little too high for my taste.   Ultimately she agreed.  It was too easy….maybe she has something to hide. (New girl only has professional social accounts, or so she says)

That’s what makes this a double edged sword.  Who knows what she posts?  Who knows if she just gonna just be Googling me anyway?  If she finds something she doesn’t like can I get off per the 4th amendment?  To answer my own questions, I don’t care. I don’t need to see thirsty negroes posting “damn ma” on her pictures (okay I might’ve snuck a peek and it wasn’t me it was a friend who wanted to see who she was). I don’t say anything on my social networks that would get me in trouble and everyone knows women don’t believe in illegal search and seizure, will break in your house, steal your tablet and then have something to say about a Facebook message she saw. 

Perhaps privacy should’ve always been the alternative, “She” was on all my sites and every tweet felt like I was on the first episode of “Martin”, I told “Miss” about the blog as my friend, now she’s a jilted lover who loves to hate to love to hate reading.  Exes before that had the passwords and everything.  Social media blackout….this might could work.

-Stan-             
 
       

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